NOTE: I feel that this writing is lacking, but I am struggling right now and needed to write and release it out in cyber space in order to reduce the build up of emotions inside of me. I feel there needs to be a trigger warning, but I am not sure what to warn about. There is mention of depression and the thought of wanting to die, but please understand that I am not in any way suicidal. My hope is that this writing may help someone else that is also going through a difficult situation. Now, deep breath . . .
I can’t. I just can’t anymore. I feel so done with everything. I know I am grieving again, but a person can only take so much emotional turmoil in their life. I don’t want to have to start over again. I have done this so many times before. I don’t feel I have the energy anymore, but I will carry on. I always do. I will continue on, but tonight as I type this, I don’t want to. I am so tired of it all, the pain, the heartache, the feeling of loss.
Oh, gosh, the pain, always with the pain. I am not just talking about physical pain. I have a lot of that. My body has been degenerating, well, for as long as I can remember. Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome will do that to you. What is hurting me more right now, what is gouging at me, is the emotional pain. Physical pain takes a huge emotional toll on a person, but the lack of emotional support from loved ones makes it almost unbearable. It is so bad that you want to die.
Do I want to die tonight? No, but I want to give up. Everything I have been fighting to hold on to for almost 20 years is disintegrating right before my eyes. It might be an archaic idea, but I am the type that bonds for life. Unfortunately, I bonded with a man who doesn’t hold these same views.
I have written a lot about this man’s behavior over the past several years. It was a way for me to process through the grief and here I am again, grieving over another lost dream. A dream of a new future, a new start with this same man who I naively thought shared the same dream as I did.
I was wrong. His lifestyle choice seems to be more important to him than his own family and our relationship. It is so frustrating. I know this man loves me and he loves his children, but he is clueless when it comes to doing what is necessary to maintain a healthy relationship.
There is a pull to be angry, but why? I have been there before many times. It is an emotion a person needs to go through when processing things, but one needs to work past the anger. Sadness and loss is what I feel tonight. Sadness and loss is what I am familiar with when dealing with this particular man. I guess tonight this sadness and loss is filled with more answered questions, then unanswered. At least I have that. For too many years I did not even have that, which only led to high levels of anxiety.
Tonight, what I feel is depression and the knowledge that I have done all that I can. It is all on him now. I fear that this is where it will finally stop, my ongoing effort I mean. For nearly two decades I have tried and tried, but I can’t anymore. There comes a time when there is enough evidence to show that you have hit a dead end, because you have done all that you can and still have gotten nowhere.
I have been through so much in my life, so much crap. I have Complex-PTSD because of it, layers of trauma over many years. I am the autistic one, the person whom others have claimed has no empathy, no feelings, and has been called a robot and stuck up, but have also been told I am too emotional and too sensitive. Well, which is it? You can’t be too emotional and too sensitive, but also lack empathy and feelings. It doesn’t work that way.
I can tell you with all honesty that I have extremely strong empathy, so much so that it hurts. I have a very hard time separating what I feel from those I am around, particularly those who I care about. I might just not express it in ways that the general population may expect. I feel it all, though. I can’t seem to filter it out, just like I can’t filter out sensory input. It is all bombarding me at once.
I am a textbook autistic person. I say what I mean and mean what I say. There is no hidden message and there is nothing written between the lines. I am a blunt and honest person who adheres to the virtues of integrity and honor. I am also loyal and trusting, much to my own peril. As a friend of mine once said, people like she and I seem to have a target on our foreheads, because of how we are.
Where I come from, non-autistic people seem to be the ones who “lack empathy”, at least they seem to be this way towards others who don’t think like them. This same man that I have been referring to has come to some realizations as of late.
My basic needs are not the same as his. It has taken him a very long time to come to realize this. How I express my happiness is also not the same as his way as well as what makes me happy is not the same as what makes him happy.
More on this here —-> I am Real, I am Human, and I Feel!
I do not understand why he would have so much trouble understanding this, but he is still struggling with this whole concept. This non-autistic man seems to be only able to see the world through his eyes, yet I am the one who is said to be lacking in “theory of mind”. No, I am not lacking in “theory of mind”. I am just different.
This is my blog that I wrote in July 2013 entitled “Theory of Mind – The Debate Continues” .
Here is Rachel Cohen-Rottenberg’s blog entitled “A Critique of the Theory of Mind” .
And Ariane Zurcher’s blog entitled “An Empathic Debunking of the Theory Of Mind” .
How do I deal with all of this? I practice mindfulness. From What Is Mindfulness? :
“Mindfulness means maintaining a moment-by-moment awareness of our thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, and surrounding environment.
Mindfulness also involves acceptance, meaning that we pay attention to our thoughts and feelings without judging them—without believing, for instance, that there’s a “right” or “wrong” way to think or feel in a given moment. When we practice mindfulness, our thoughts tune into what we’re sensing in the present moment rather than rehashing the past or imagining the future.”
I suppose my writing is one way for me to practice mindfulness. Before I started typing tonight I felt like my life was imploding. The life that I wanted is basically over and I just couldn’t take it anymore. After putting myself in the moment and allowing the emotions I was feeling to come out in written form, I am starting to feel the pressure that was building up inside me subside.
Deep breaths . . . I will not give up. I will get through this.
Hear My Battle Cry (A poem I wrote.)
“If you can’t fly then run, if you can’t run then walk, if you can’t walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.”
― Martin Luther King Jr.