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Ramblings of an Autistic Single Mom

NOTE: The Aspie Teacher blog is the story of my family’s journey. My first blog was Geeky Science Mom’s Tumblr which I started in September 2012 and my writings gradually progressed from there. Periodically I look back over my old writings to check on the distance I have travelled in this journey that is called my life. This is one of those checks.

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I am autistic and I am also a mother of two amazing young people who are autistic as well. I am also single.  My children see their father maybe two hours every week, sometimes it is less.  He is not really involved in their lives.  For the past four years I have been working multiple jobs to make ends meet.  Somewhere in there I managed to earn my Master’s degree. I have been homeschooling/unschooling both my kids for the past three years and will continue to do so until both my kids graduate high school in another 2-3 years.  It has been a challenging balancing act.

I see articles online about single parenting with autistic children. It strikes me odd how bleak the authors describe their lives. One author claims that single parents of autistic children “can’t have it all”, that they “will never be compensated financially or professionally for the thousands of hours I’ve spent over the last decade taking my son to treatments”. Other authors complain about having to give up their career, complain they can’t go on trips, complain that it was the Autism that caused the divorce, and complain about the “grueling therapy sessions” (if they are grueling for you, how do you think your child feels?)

Parenting is hard no matter what the neurology of the child is. The reality is if you are a single parent, something has to give.  You can’t expect to have everything and the reason why you “can’t have it all” has nothing to do with your child’s neurology. It really does take a village to raise a child, so when part of that village is missing, it gets that much harder.

I willingly chose to put my career on hold when I became a parent. I was fortunate enough to be able to be a stay-at-home mom for five years. At the time, my husband had a good paying full-time job with benefits.  Being a single income family lead to finances being really tight, and we lived in a small duplex, but it was worth it.  The only time I was a home owner was when both my ex and I were working so we could afford a mortgage. As a single parent, I am a renter once again. This time, my rental is even smaller than the one we lived in back when my children were babies. Housing costs are higher and there is a housing shortage where we live.

My children have weekly counseling visits and my daughter has weekly occupational therapy (OT) sessions (something she personally asked for). We live in a rural area. Services are in another county all together. We are on the road a lot and I am fortunate enough to have the type of employment that allows me to take my children to their appointments.  I have never put my children through “grueling therapy sessions” and I never will.  Applied Behavior Analysis (AB A) sessions, which is considered the go-to treatment for Autism, are anywhere from 25 to 40 hours per week for 12 months a year for at least 2 years with sessions typically provided in 2-3 hours blocks.  I spent three hours observing an ABA session in June 2015 as a requirement for my Master’s degree program. It was horrible – Initial Reaction to ABA Observation.

My divorce finalized on June 23, 2014, but we had separated in October 2012. We tried to get back together after being apart for three years. Our attempt lasted a year and a half. My ex just doesn’t want the responsibility of a family.  It has almost been five years since we first separated and I have not tried dating. I have had to let myself grieve.  Looking through my old writings, I see many blogs that focused on sadness and grief.  I have had to allow myself to process those emotions. I have also had to be present for my children.  They have been grieving, too.  There was no room for romance in that.  I have to allow my heart to heal before I can allow anyone else in.  I am still healing.  Everyone grieves differently and the time it takes to adequately heal is different for everyone. When you have been in an abusive situation, it can take even longer to heal and you need to give yourself that time or you could very well fall into a similar situation.

Some of my previous writings describing my journey through grief:

Grief 2

[Image description: Sea green colored background with black lettering. “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do it lean to swim.” – Vicky Harrison]

Then there is my issue of living in a duality of perception. I wrote that blog in June 2016 and it helped me realize some things about myself.  When I found myself unexpectedly a single parent, I didn’t know how I was going to manage.  My family isn’t in the area.  I was in graduate school at the time and I was working part time.  How the hell was I going to support two kids with special needs on my own!!!???!!! This thought was screaming in my head.  I was so filled with fear and shock I had no time to be angry, at least not yet.  My anger came later.  The grief cycle is an interesting, complicated thing. As I tell my kids, a very wibbly wobbly, timey wimey sort of thing.

I never thought I would get to the point where I would even consider letting my ex back in my life, but I did and I learned a lot from that experience. I learned about letting go, something I had been really struggling with for years.  As a content teacher, I didn’t think I could teach outside of Science (my area), but I found out I could.  I didn’t know I could teach myself how to do basic home and car repair along with all the other family/parenting/home stuff I had been doing for years, but I found out I could. I didn’t know I could parent on my own, but I found out I could.

I learned I was autistic five and a half years ago. Both my children had been diagnosed by that time. I have learned so much since then.  My life has been turned upside down and inside out, but I kept moving forward knowing that another sunrise would signal another chance for me to try again.  I kept learning and adapting.

It wasn’t the Autism that caused my divorce. In fact, divorce rates are similar for parents with and without autistic children, so don’t believe the myth that divorce rate in families with autism is 80%. It is definitely not (80 Percent Autism Divorce Rate Debunked in First-Of-Its Kind Scientific Study).

Looking back to where I was when I first became a single parent, I couldn’t really think of the future. I was in full on survival mode back then.  Looking where I am now, all I can say is “wow”.  I have come so far from that place where I found myself crushed, lost, and desperate just trying to make it day by day.

My journey is not complete, not in a long shot, but I find myself no longer in that place of desperation. I have found a future where I am valued and wanted.  I have found a future where I have developed skills I didn’t even know I had.  I have found a future where my children are seeing a future for themselves as well. I have found that my mind has a sense of ease now.  I still have a lot of stress in my life, but nothing like it once was.  I feel a sense of peace inside me now.  Do I still cry when I am alone?  Yes, my grief will take time to process. Where there was once soul crushing pain, there is now a sense of understanding and a level of acceptance of the reality of the situation. As I stated before, I had to adapt. I had to find peace on my own, and I did.

“I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.”

― Douglas Adams, The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul

 

**Image is not mine. Source is linked with image.

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The Destructive Nature of Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder

**NOTE: this blog did not turn out as I thought it would. I thought it would be more about depression and grieving, but it ended up being about Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder, which is what inevitably caused my depression and grief by being the target of the person with the disorder.  My brain went analytical while writing this blog. A lot of technical jargon ended up being included, but in doing so, I feel a sense of relief now.  I actually feel calmer.  Writing is a coping strategy of mine and I never really know where it will take me or how my blogs will turn out.  

Trigger Warning: References to emotional abuse and emotional neglect.

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Ah, depression. It punches you in the face, drains you of energy, and makes everything harder in your life.  Now, mix depression with grief and it is that much worse.  In my case, the punch in the face is my depression telling me that I wasted the last 19 years of my life. 

Haven’t I been here before? Unfortunately, I have. It was when he first left me.  He came back three years later claiming he had gotten his life together and I gave him the benefit of the doubt.  I let him back into my life and the kids did as well.  It was never real, at least not in the sense that he wanted a committed long term relationship again where we could be a family once more.  I was just a means to an end, a person to have around so he wouldn’t feel lonely. What I needed didn’t matter.  Only his self-absorbed interest did.  

I want to tell him that he is an obstructionist, never allowing anything to work, never putting in the necessary time, and always blocking any attempts to make things better. There was a time I thought I just wasn’t good enough. Then it moved into thinking that we just hadn’t found the correct course of action.  I now understand that the reality was and continues to be his abusive passive aggressive personality. Our relationship never had a chance. 

As Millon (1981, p. 258) describes:

The passive-aggressivé s strategy of negativism, of being discontent and unpredictable, of being both seductive and rejecting, and of being demanding and then dissatisfied, is an effective weapon… with people in general. Switching among the roles of the martyr, the affronted, the aggrieved, the misunderstood, the contrite, the guilt-ridden, the sickly, and the overworked, is a tactic of interpersonal behavior that gains passive-aggressives the attention, reassurance, and dependency they crave while, at the same time, allowing them to subtly vent their angers and resentments.

I wasted all those years holding on and fighting to make our relationship better while I was being blamed for all that was wrong in his life, being told that it was because of how I am that was the problem (he never could really accept my diagnosis), and being emotionally beaten down time and time again by underhanded and conniving ways.

With me it was always “no” from him. No matter what I did or what I said, it was always “no”. He would never be direct about the “no” either.  It was always done in a covert, underhanded way.  The gaslighting, the procrastination, the ambivalence, the obstructing, the stonewalling, the projection, the derailing, the manipulation, the dishonesty, and the unwillingness to resolve anything mixed in with “I love you”, “you are my best friend”, and “I want to share my life with you”.

I want to tell him that what he called love wasn’t actually love. I want to tell him that love is a promise. Love is an action. Love is something you work on and maintain all your life, but love is subjective when it comes to a person.  How one person sees/feels love may not be the same as how another may see/feel love.

I want to tell him that insisting on living in that sea of ambivalence of his is no safe haven, but it will do no good. He feels safe there, riding the fence, never having to make a decision and to never having to take responsibility for a decision made, but a non-decision is still a decision.  

Individuals with Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD) and Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder (PAPD) share a deeply rooted ambivalence about themselves and others. While people with OCPD resolve their ambivalence by compliant behavior and holding tension within, those with PAPD have virtually no resolution. As a result, they are characterized by vacillating behavior. They are indecisive; they fluctuate in their attitudes, oppositional behaviors, and emotions. They are generally erratic and unpredictable (Millon, 1981, p. 244).

The erratic and unpredictable behavior in an individual with passive-aggressive (negativistic) personality disorder is incredibly frustrating. These individuals tend to be ambivalent within their relationships and conflicted between their dependency needs and their desire for self-assertion. They present hostile defiance toward people they see as causing their problems and then attempt to mollify these same people by asking forgiveness or promising to do better in the future, or always asking for more and more time (as was in my case).

Individuals with PAPD view themselves as self-sufficient but feel vulnerable to control and interference from others (Pretzer & Beck, Clarkin & Lenzenweger, eds., 1996, p. 60). They believe that they are misunderstood and unappreciated, a view that is exacerbated by the negative responses they receive from others for their consistent defeatist stance. They expect the worst in everything, even situations that are going well, and are inclined toward anger and irritability (Beck & Freeman, 1990, p. 339) (DSM-IV, 1994, p. 734).

As the one who has been on the receiving end of this anger and irritability, it was the silent kind of anger filled with resentment and sometimes it was even the “sugarcoated hostility” variety. It was never expressed to me directly, however. You can’t have a direct conversation with a person with Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder and nothing ever gets resolved, so the tension just builds and builds until there is an explosion.  Unfortunately, the target of the passive aggressor is typically the one who explodes and it is usually due to the fact that the passive aggressor has tried and may have actually succeeded in sabotaging your wants, needs, and plans using a variety of tactics.

According to Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT,  passive-aggressive people act passive, but are covertly aggressive. “Their unconscious anger gets transferred onto you, and you become frustrated and furious. Your fury is theirs, while they may calmly ask, “Why are you getting so angry?” and blame you for the anger they’re provoking.”

I am getting clinical here. I need to take a step back.  Maybe my analytical mind is taking over as a way to cope with the emotional pain I feel.  I am dealing with the reality that I let it happen again. I let the emotional abuse happen again.  My brain is telling me that I had to try for the family’s sake.  I had to give him another chance for the sake of the  It’s almost like they do it on purpose, isn’t it, Fred?!children and I had to find out for myself. 

I found out alright. I found out that our family cohesion was the priority of my children and me, but it was not his. He has always had trouble balancing his life out, including balancing prorities.  My children and I were often left on the way side as he lived essentially two lives, his apparent family life where he kept to himself mostly and his life outside the family where he didn’t have to worry about family responsibility.  He presents out to the world as this very charming, friendly, and personable man.  He is “The Nice Guy” to everyone else, but me. 

I was the one who received all his negative characteristics. He seemed to only be nice and charming to me when he wanted something. He is very good at doing just enough to hook you, and then the push/pull behavior starts. He is a very avoidant person. He prefers to be alone, but does not like being lonely.  He wants someone around, but only on his terms.  Don’t ask for any emotional reciprocity, because you are not going to get it, but you better always be encouraging and dependable for him and not cause him any drama or turmoil.  In other words, do not disrupt his Zen or he will punish you by giving you the silent treatment, ignoring your needs, isolating you, or sending you mixed messages to keep you off balance.  

Sounds childish, doesn’t it? It sounds this way, because it is childish. Passive-aggressive people are not pleasant to deal with at all.  I am not going to go into the reasons as to why a person would develop Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder other than to say that the exact cause of passive-aggressive behavior isn’t known.  If you are interested in learning more about possible causes you can click here, here, and here.

A personality disorder is not a mental illness, so it cannot be treated with medication. Only through therapy can a person work though and learn how to cope with living with a personality disorder.  Unfortunately, if a personality disordered person doesn’t feel that there is a problem, then there is really nothing you can do.   You can’t help those who do not want to be helped, I learned that the hard way, but there are ways to help yourself when it comes to dealing with a person with Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder.  Here is a list of some of the ways that I have learned over the years:

  1. Be assertive (this might take some practice.)
  2. Don’t nag (which very hard to do when your patience is frayed).
  3. Don’t be an enabler by tolerating the behavior (that only encourages more passive-aggressive behavior).
  4. Create healthy boundaries and consequences if those boundaries are crossed.
  5. Be aware of your own reality. This is covert emotional abuse and you may not even realize it is happening.
  6. Be honest.
  7. Walk away if the situation feels like it is just spinning in circles.
  8. More often than not, you will have to remove yourself from the passive aggressor for your own self-preservation.

I wish I could remove my ex-husband from my life entirely, but we have two children together, so that is not something that I can accomplish. My children are currently both in high school. In just a couple years of each other, my children with be considered adults and the mandatory child support that he has to pay will end as well as any visitation schedule.  My hope is that I will be able to remove him from my life as much as I can when that time comes.

More blogs that I wrote on this matter:

Seeing the Truth in Patterns (Posted on December 27, 2016)

I Can’t Anymore . . . (Posted on February 20, 2017)

Closing Doors . . . (Posted on March 14, 2017)

Letting Toxic People Go

**The articles linked in this blog reference the DSM-IV.  The DSM-V came out in May of 2013. Certain diagnostic criteria changed in the DSM-V, but the information contained in the articles is still relevant. The images are not mine and are sourced.

I Hate Complex-PTSD

(Trigger Warning – Discussion about Trauma)

I hate Complex-PTSD. There is no way around it, I hate it.  I got triggered today.  All it took was for me to be sent spiraling was for me to notice that a relative of mine had changed their profile picture on Facebook.  It was a completely innocent thing for them to do.  There was nothing wrong with the picture that my relative chose, but for me, it was enough to trigger a cascading effect of interacting layers of trauma that I have accumulated over the years.

Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) is a condition that results from chronic or long-term exposure to emotional trauma over which a victim has little or no control and from which there is little or no hope of escape.”

C-PSTD can occur in such cases of:

  • domestic emotional, physical or sexual abuse
  • childhood emotional, physical or sexual abuse
  • entrapment or kidnapping.
  • slavery or enforced labor.
  • long term imprisonment and torture
  • repeated violations of personal boundaries.
  • long-term objectification.
  • exposure to gaslighting & false accusations
  • long-term exposure to inconsistent, push-pull, splitting or alternating raging & hoovering behaviors.
  • long-term taking care of mentally ill or chronically sick family members.
  • long term exposure to crisis conditions.

How did I get to this point? I grew up in an emotionally neglectful and abusive household.  I married what I knew and the covert emotional manipulation and emotional abuse only got worse.  I have also been taking care of mentally ill family members for over 16 years now.  Then there is the medical trauma I endured 15 years ago that resulted in my initial diagnosis of PTSD which eventually grew to C-PTSD when more and more layers of trauma were exposed.

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and C-PTSD are similar, but they do differ in causes and symptoms. C-PTSD results more from chronic repetitive stress from which there is little to no chance of escape. PTSD can result from single events or short term exposure to extreme stress or trauma.

***Remember, C-PTSD is a stress disorder, not a weakness or defect of character nor is it a personality disorder although it is often misdiagnosed as Borderline Personality Disorder.

From The Center for Treatment of Anxiety and Mood Disorders:

CPTSD Symptoms

People who have gone through a long-standing, extremely traumatic situation may exhibit both physical and emotional symptoms related to their ordeal.

Emotional symptoms may include:

  • Rage displayed through violence, destruction of property, or theft
  • Depression, denial, fear of abandonment, thoughts of suicide, anger issues
  • Low self-esteem, panic attacks, self-loathing
  • Perfectionism, blaming others instead of dealing with a situation, selective memory
  • Loss of faith in humanity, distrust, isolation, inability to form close personal relationships
  • Shame, guilt, focusing on wanting revenge
  • Flashbacks, memory repression, dissociation

Victims of C-PTSD may also have physical symptoms, such as:

  • Eating disorders, substance abuse, alcoholism, promiscuity
  • Chronic pain
  • Cardiovascular problems
  • Gastrointestinal problems.
  • Migraines

From Out of the Storm:

Symptoms Shared by CPTSD and PTSD

According to Cloitre et al (2016), CPTSD shares three main symptoms with PTSD which include:

  • Re-experiencing the past – in the form of nightmares and flashbacks.  While in PTSD flashbacks tend to be visual, in CPTSD they are often emotional.  That is,  a sudden, overwhelming rush of emotions such as anger, shame, humiliation, abandonment, and of being small and powerless much like a child would feel when abused.  These are referred to as Emotional Flashbacks (EFs). and can last for minutes, hours or even days (Walker, 2013) . 
  • Sense of threat – constantly on guard or hypervigilant, strong startle reaction
  • Avoidance – of thoughts, feelings, people, places, activities relating to the trauma (e.g., dissociation, derealization)

Symptoms of CPTSD Only

Cloitre et al (2014) suggest that CPTSD differs from PTSD in that it has three additional symptoms:

  • Emotion regulation – Emotional sensitivity; reduced ability to respond to situations in an emotionally appropriate and flexible manner  
  • Negative self-concept – Feeling of worthlessness and defectiveness. Walker suggests that those with CPTSD suffer from toxic shame and have a virulent Inner and Outer Critic.
  • Interpersonal problems – Difficulty feeling close to another person; feeling disconnected, distant or cut off from other people (depersonalization, social anxiety). 

Everyone is unique and the above list of symptoms is not complete and not everyone with C-PTSD will exhibit all the symptoms listed. I, for one, do not have the physical symptoms of “Eating disorders, substance abuse, alcoholism, promiscuity”. There was a time I wanted revenge, but I couldn’t stand that feeling and fought hard against it. Revenge never solves anything and can ultimately destroy the person seeking revenge. I have wanted to die, but I have never had suicidal thoughts.  I also have never been violent, destroyed property, nor committed theft. I do not have cardiovascular problems, but I do experience chest pain during anxiety and panic attacks. I have had to establish healthy boundaries and am no longer in contact with certain family members beyond an occasional email.  I also never lost my ability to form close personal relationships with others.

What makes experiencing all this worse for me is that things that trigger me are typically seen as happy moments by most people, so there is little to no understanding as to why I cut myself off from exposure to reminders and why an unexpected exposure to a photograph of my happy sister, her happy husband, and her new baby affected me so badly.  I didn’t experience anger seeing that photo.  I was terrified!  Pregnancy and children birth reminders are horrible, panic inducing triggers for me. The reason for this is my medical trauma resulted from me being pregnant and giving birth.  I am not going to go into detail, but more information can be found here and here.

I got triggered this morning by a reminder of that horrific time in my life that was my medical trauma, the lack of emotional support I experienced from my family and continue to experience, and all the loss I experienced and continue to experience.  That one trigger not only triggered me regarding my medical trauma, but every  emotional trauma after it. There is a lot.  As I stated before, I was in an emotionally abusive marriage and came from an emotionally manipulative and neglectful home life that followed me into adulthood.    

It is 11:31PM now. I am still struggling. I have been crying off and on all day, but most of my crying was this morning.  How have I coped?  I used music and running.  I let myself ride the melody and lyrics of specifically chosen songs and played them over and over again.  I let the music flow through me and let the emotion flow with it.  I had to.  No more pretending.  I am safe now.  I don’t have to hide my anguish anymore. I have to let my pain out, but I have to do it in a health way.  I have been a runner for 24 years.  Running helps me regulate my anxiety and helps me control my meltdowns.  Running is not for everyone, but it is a way for me to help ground myself when the whole world feels like it is collapsing all around me like it did today.

My theme song today was “Total Eclipse of the Heart” by Bonnie Tyler.  I felt this song fit with how I was feeling and how I wanted to express myself, because I had no words, just tears and pain.  (Lyrics) 

After my run tonight I found myself still feeling lost. The song I needed to listen to was “Send me an Angel” by Real Life.  (Lyrics)

I have been waking up lately with this song playing in my head. I wouldn’t mind at all having an angel sent to me right now with some guidance and emotional support. Days like this are so hard, but they do eventually get better.  I just have to keep moving forward.  A better day will come.  

 

 

“Telling Your Story with a Purpose”

It has been awhile since I wrote. I am a single mom working three jobs and home schooling my two children at the same time.  I have just been a wee bit busy lately.  Now that the end of school rush is over and summer break is upon us, I am down to working one job and teaching only one home school summer course. This leaves me with enough time and energy to devote to writing again.   

I started writing a blog on Tumblr back in September 2012. I was just beginning to find my “voice” back then and was encouraged by a fellow teacher and parent to start writing in a more public venue. It took a lot of encouragement by my friend, but eventually Geeky Science Mom’s Tumblr was born.  I didn’t really have a focus of the blog in the beginning. 

At that time a Tumblr blogger still needed to know the codes in order to properly format their blogs. I was learning and experimenting and reaching out to people in cyberspace to see how I could help. My Tumblr may have started as a cat, fandom, art, science, parent, and autism information page, but my blogs eventually became longer and longer.  My writing became more focused as well.

I was diagnosed in December 2011 at the age of 36 after both my children were diagnosed. Here we are five and a half years later. During that time I have completed a Master’s degree that started out with a focus in Science Education and ended with a focus in Autism Education.  We moved across the state to start a new life where my children could have access to better opportunities.  My marriage fell apart shortly after.  My ex-husband came back three years later, but it didn’t work out due to his abusive nature.  

For more information about my experience with emotional abuse and how to deal with it:

Invisible Scars – A Tale of Emotional Abuse  (June 9, 2014)

Dealing With Emotional Abuse in Families (May 5, 2016)

So many things have happened in my life in what feels like such a short time. I just turned 42 a couple of weeks ago. I never ever thought that I would be a single mom with two teenagers, homeschooling, and working three jobs just to make ends meet.  I have been a teacher for 19 years. We are on Medicaid, because I am not eligible for medical insurance through my employers due to my part-time standing. We are on food assistance.  My daughter is on SSDI (Social Security Disability Insurance).  We live in a rural community.  The three of us live in a very small two bedroom apartment.  Part of the living room is partitioned off so my son can have a bedroom.  Everything we own is old.  We can’t even afford the luxury of television services, but we have a Wii player that was a Christmas gift that we play Netflix through.

The Aspie Teacher blog was created to tell the story of my family’s journey, but I tell the story through my perspective.  When I tell my story I am coming from a lot of different angles that I have personally experienced.  I don’t just share my story to complain.  Yes, I have experienced a lot of heartache in my life, but the purpose of my blog is not to just complain about the hardships I have experienced. 

I have a personal philosophy. To me, helping one person at a time is worth all the effort I put into my work.  If I can help make one person not feel alone, help one person make their life better, then it is all worth it. I believe in the idea of paying it forward.  I help one person, then that person will go help another, and so on and so forth.

I had a friend help me find my “voice” after a life time of feeling ignored, dismissed, and squashed into a box that I didn’t fit in. I have spent a life time of having to deal with things on my own, crisis after crisis and feeling abandoned and not understood when I reached out for help.

“What I remember most about emotional abuse is that it’s like being put in a box. How you end up in there is the biggest trick – I never managed to work that one out. Maybe you think it’s a treasure box at first: you’re in there because you’re special.

Soon the box starts to shrink. Every time you touch the edges there is an “argument”. So you try to make yourself fit. You curl up, become smaller, quieter, remove the excessive, offensive parts of your personality – you begin to notice lots of these. You eliminate people and interests, change your behaviour. But still the box gets smaller.

You think it’s your fault. The terrible, unforgivable too-muchness of you is to blame. You don’t realise that the box is shrinking, or who is making it smaller. You don’t yet understand that you will never, ever be tiny enough to fit, or silent enough to avoid a row.”

It’s time to make emotional abuse a crime – Lauren Laverne  (via trashysnacks)(via gularasi)

I don’t want others to have to go through what I did. I want to help them find their “voice”.  I want them to feel safe to tell their story if they want to.  I want others to feel that they are being heard and understood, but this requires that the writing have a purpose so you can grab the audience that the writing is intended for.

How does one tell their story with a purpose?

Recently I went to a training that was entitled “Telling Your Story with a Purpose”. A lot of good advice was provided and what was shared reminded how I struggled over the years with disclosing about my disability, my PTSD, and how much should I disclose about my family and personal experiences.  It took me eleven years to finally be able to share all the parts of my medical trauma publicly in one place, which you can find here –The Volcano is Awake.

When I finally was able to publicly share my medical trauma that led to my diagnosis of PTSD, it was such a release. It was finally out there.  Once it was out there I was able to make some very important decisions about my life.  Establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries were absolutely necessary if I was going to be able to make any further progress in my recovery.  The story that first started The Aspie Teacher blog was to jump-start a necessary step in my recovery, but also to let others know about autistic burnout and about trauma bonds. The purpose of my story was not only about helping me. It was to help others as well.   

Telling your story doesn’t have to be in the form of a blog. It could be in poetry, or song, or dance, or in a painting or drawing.  The list goes on.  In June of 2016, my son was finishing up a unit on poetry.  The final assignment was to write two poems in the form of his choice.  He worked very hard on metaphor usage.  His poems told stories and you can find those stories here – An Awakening.

It takes a lot of time and a lot of courage to come out and tell your story. It is not an easy thing to do and it is not for everyone.  Finding your “voice” is also a challenge, but social media platforms are making it easier for people to find a way to express their “voice” and reach out to others who will hear them and connect with the story. 

I follow the three C’s – You have to make a Choice to take a Chance or nothing will ever Change. I made a choice to take a chance with telling my story and things changed for me.  I began to feel more empowered and more sure of myself and my abilities.  Finding my “voice” changed my world for the better. 

Here is a video that I thought fit with the message of this blog – One Small Voice | ASL | Educational Songs | Kids Videos | YouTube for Kids | Jack Hartmann

Here are the lyrics to “One Small Voice”

With just one small voice
Singing out a song
With just one small voice
Singing sweet and strong
One by one they’ll grow
And together sing along
And then soon all the world
Will be singing

With just one small voice
Singing out a song
With just one small voice
Singing sweet and strong
One by one they’ll grow
And together sing along
And then soon all the world
Will be singing

The following lists were put together by the Seattle Children’s Hospital – Center for Children With Special Needs and the Washington State Department of Health

Things to Think About When Telling Your Story in Public

  1. You have some distance and perspective on your experience vs. being in the midst of it or still actively working through it.
  2. The story has benefit for others. It’s not about your personal agenda, frustration, or current issue.
  3. You feel ready to share it. Trust your instincts. Share parts of the experience that you are ready for now – you don’t need to tell it all.
  4. You are relatively comfortable talking about your experience. It’s not at your expense – you don’t feel overly vulnerable, exposed or shamed.

Guidelines for Self-Disclosure When Presenting

  1. Stay with the focus of your message – less is usually more.
  2. Protect the privacy of others.

**Remember – When it is put online, it is online forever. Privacy of others must be protected.

Closing Doors . . .

What do you think of when you hear the word “commitment”? What about the phrase ‘being committed to something or someone”?  What comes to mind then? I have found that the images are different depending on the individual.  Please realize that deeply caring about someone is not the same as being committed to them.  I was reminded of this when a certain person in my life decided to tell me he was committed to me; it was just a different kind of commitment according to him. Then later on he proceeded to tell me that he deeply cares about me and wants to be in a relationship, but he is not committed to me.  Confused yet?

I have been dealing with this same person for nearly 20 years. This is the type of confusion that he continuously created when ever commitment came into question.  At first he says the right words and acts like he really means what he says, but after he gets what he wants, his effort is finished and the sabotaging begins.  This is what someone who has commitment phobia does.  They want a relationship, but they also want space and freedom.  They can be loving, attentive, and very charming, but at the same time passive aggressive and emotionally neglectful.  Their sabotaging begins subtly, but then gets worse and worse over time.  They are not proud of their behavior and actually feel guilty, but it doesn’t stop them.  They are governed by fear, lots of fear. 

A phobia is an extreme or irrational fear of or aversion to something. Commitment phobia is a very difficult thing to deal with, especially when you are the one on the receiving end of the behavior.  In my case, for 15 years this person tried to hide their phobia and denied their depression and problematic personality features.  The problem with this is that it all will eventually bite you in the ass in a very big way.

Our family was torn apart by the action of this person. It has been four and a half years since the big bite happened and he subsequently left us.  He came back after three years after a psychological evaluation and had started counseling.  He stopped his counseling shortly after returning home and for the past year and a half we have been slowing rebuilding our family unit, but unresolved issues arose.

I haven’t really written in the past month, because certain revelations have been happening and I needed time to process it all. Slowly I have been trying to chip away at all the layers in an attempt to deal with these unresolved issues.  Talking ensued, lots of talking. What was finally revealed lead me to one conclusion – he has commitment phobia. 

How does one even develop something like that? To answer that question, you would have to divulge into why any phobia developments and the reasons really depend on the person.  In this particular case, I can honestly say that this person had a lot of baggage prior to meeting me.  Our various problems that we faced as a married couple just added to the mix of things he really didn’t want to deal with.

This whole idea of commitment phobia is something that I am having trouble wrapping my head around. I am a very committed person, always have been.  I am also a very loyal person, almost to a fault, which has led to me being taken advantage of.  I don’t know if these aspects of me are derived from being autistic or if they are simply aspects of who I am regardless of anything else.

In The Discovery of “Aspie” Criteria by Attwood and Gray, under “A qualitative advantage in social interaction, as manifested by a majority of the following”, number one states “peer relationships characterized by absolute loyalty and impeccable dependability”. Yup, that is me.

I am a loyal, dependable, and committed person. I am known as someone who doesn’t give up and am always looking for solutions and new paths to follow when I encounter a road block of some sort.  I am also someone who establishes strong bonds with people and have been known to be overly trusting way too many times.  Keep in mind that not every autistic person is overly trusting, but I am one of them that is.  I am also naïve even after being on this planet for 41 years.  Perhaps this is due to me being developmentally delayed, but I can’t say for certain.

Rules are rules to me and that includes rules in a relationship. You don’t cheat, you don’t play mind games, you are honest and open, and you are there for each other. This allows for trust to build.  Trust must be earned.  It took me so long to learn that.  I give way to many chances when it comes to people.  I don’t know why I do this, but after being hurt so many times I finally took it upon myself to learn about the importance of personal boundaries.

I was never taught about boundaries growing up. I also was never taught how to say “no”.  I was taught to comply.  Perhaps that plays into why I give too many chances, but I can’t say for sure.

I have been told in the past that I am too kind, that my heart is too big, and that I must have a lot of patience. I have been told that these aspects of me allows people to take advantage of me, to take advantage of my heart, which only leads to the heartache that I have experienced many times.

I married a guy who is basically a douche, but tried to hide that fact, because he really did and still does love me. The thing is, apparently love is not enough to keep someone from being unfaithful, being neglectful, and emotionally abusive. This is why all these years I have been so confused and so hurt.  Why would you tell someone you love them over and over again, tell them you want to marry them, make future plans with them, have children with them, spend nearly 20 years with them, and then systematically destroy it all?  It boggles my mind.

For four and a half years I have been hanging on unable to move beyond the shattered remains of my life I once had. For a moment I thought I was getting it back.  Everything felt so right.  We were a family again, but it was short lived.  The man I bonded to can’t commit.  All those hurtful things he did happened because he couldn’t commit and the lie he had been living finally caught up with him.  Instead of being honest with me, he used emotionally abuvise tactics to destroy our marriage so he didn’t have to be the one who initiated the divorce proceedings.  Something I had to do. 

Here we are again. He didn’t want to look like the bad guy, so he has been sabotaging repair efforts and I don’t know how much of his behavior he is even aware of.  Ingrained behavior is difficult for a person who is demonstrating the behavior to actually see that they are doing it. Denial is something he is very good at.

About three weeks ago I felt something emotionally close in my heart. At that time I learned that my ex-husband wants the benefits of the family he loves, but not the responsibility and commitment that comes with it. As these revelations were coming out, my ex-husband also started talking about not wanting to look like the bad guy by ending our relationship a second time.  Go ahead, if you haven’t already, start shaking your head at me and make disapproving expressions.  I know, I know. Déjà vu all over again except without the infidelity and abandonment parts. 

I have taken these last few weeks to process this feeling of something closing in my heart and trying to figure out what this sensation was about.  I have come to the conclusion that it was a door closing, so to speak.  This feeling was something new to me and I have had difficulties determining what it meant. 

For four and a half years I have been unable to move on. Too much hurt, too much anger, and too many unanswered questions.  I think that feeling of a door closing in my heart means I am ready to take those first steps onto a new path.  It still hurts, but the pain is different this time.  I have found that I have too much self-respect to continue on this roller coaster of a life that my ex-husband lives in. My children and I have had to lower our expectations to such a low point so we can be pleasantly surprised when he does a nice thing or he does what he said he was going to do.  It is ridiculous that we have to do this, but we have to take care of ourselves.  There was just too much disappointment and hurt that was happening.

My ex-husband was given a second chance to make things right. Instead of working with me to find middle ground and nurture our relationship and our family, he has chosen to dig himself in and not budge.  Working towards middle ground means commitment and that is something he is just unable to do.

I don’t regret giving my ex-husband a second chance. I had to find out.  I had to take the chance.  I needed questions answered and I needed to know if we could really be a family again.  I got my answers. The result was not what I expected or wanted, but I got what I needed.  I got what I needed in order to finally move on with my life.  As the Rolling Stones song goes:

You can’t always get what you want

But if you try sometimes well you might find

You get what you need

The Rolling Stones – You Can’t Always Get What You Want – Lyrics

In closing, I raise a glass of your preferred beverage to what the future may bring. May it be a bright future indeed.   Blessed Be.

I Can’t Anymore . . .

NOTE: I feel that this writing is lacking, but I am struggling right now and needed to write and release it out in cyber space in order to reduce the build up of emotions inside of me.  I feel there needs to be a trigger warning, but I am not sure what to warn about. There is mention of depression and the thought of wanting to die, but please understand that I am not in any way suicidal. My hope is that this writing may help someone else that is also going through a difficult situation. Now, deep breath . . .

I can’t. I just can’t anymore. I feel so done with everything.  I know I am grieving again, but a person can only take so much emotional turmoil in their life.  I don’t want to have to start over again.  I have done this so many times before.  I don’t feel I have the energy anymore, but I will carry on.  I always do.  I will continue on, but tonight as I type this, I don’t want to.  I am so tired of it all, the pain, the heartache, the feeling of loss.

Oh, gosh, the pain, always with the pain. I am not just talking about physical pain.  I have a lot of that. My body has been degenerating, well, for as long as I can remember.  Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome will do that to you.  What is hurting me more right now, what is gouging at me, is the emotional pain. Physical pain takes a huge emotional toll on a person, but the lack of emotional support from loved ones makes it almost unbearable.  It is so bad that you want to die.

Do I want to die tonight? No, but I want to give up.  Everything I have been fighting to hold on to for almost 20 years is disintegrating right before my eyes.  It might be an archaic idea, but I am the type that bonds for life.  Unfortunately, I bonded with a man who doesn’t hold these same views.

I have written a lot about this man’s behavior over the past several years. It was a way for me to process through the grief and here I am again, grieving over another lost dream.  A dream of a new future, a new start with this same man who I naively thought shared the same dream as I did. 

I was wrong. His lifestyle choice seems to be more important to him than his own family and our relationship.  It is so frustrating.  I know this man loves me and he loves his children, but he is clueless when it comes to doing what is necessary to maintain a healthy relationship. 

There is a pull to be angry, but why? I have been there before many times.  It is an emotion a person needs to go through when processing things, but one needs to work past the anger.  Sadness and loss is what I feel tonight.  Sadness and loss is what I am familiar with when dealing with this particular man.  I guess tonight this sadness and loss is filled with more answered questions, then unanswered.  At least I have that.  For too many years I did not even have that, which only led to high levels of anxiety. 

Tonight, what I feel is depression and the knowledge that I have done all that I can. It is all on him now.  I fear that this is where it will finally stop, my ongoing effort I mean.  For nearly two decades I have tried and tried, but I can’t anymore.  There comes a time when there is enough evidence to show that you have hit a dead end, because you have done all that you can and still have gotten nowhere.   

I have been through so much in my life, so much crap. I have Complex-PTSD because of it, layers of trauma over many years. I am the autistic one, the person whom others have claimed has no empathy, no feelings, and has been called a robot and stuck up, but have also been told I am too emotional and too sensitive. Well, which is it?  You can’t be too emotional and too sensitive, but also lack empathy and feelings.  It doesn’t work that way.

I can tell you with all honesty that I have extremely strong empathy, so much so that it hurts. I have a very hard time separating what I feel from those I am around, particularly those who I care about. I might just not express it in ways that the general population may expect.  I feel it all, though.  I can’t seem to filter it out, just like I can’t filter out sensory input.  It is all bombarding me at once. 

I am a textbook autistic person. I say what I mean and mean what I say.  There is no hidden message and there is nothing written between the lines. I am a blunt and honest person who adheres to the virtues of integrity and honor.  I am also loyal and trusting, much to my own peril.  As a friend of mine once said, people like she and I seem to have a target on our foreheads, because of how we are. 

Where I come from, non-autistic people seem to be the ones who “lack empathy”, at least they seem to be this way towards others who don’t think like them. This same man that I have been referring to has come to some realizations as of late. 

My basic needs are not the same as his. It has taken him a very long time to come to realize this.  How I express my happiness is also not the same as his way as well as what makes me happy is not the same as what makes him happy.

More on this here —-> I am Real, I am Human, and I Feel!

I do not understand why he would have so much trouble understanding this, but he is still struggling with this whole concept.  This non-autistic man seems to be only able to see the world through his eyes, yet I am the one who is said to be lacking in “theory of mind”.  No, I am not lacking in “theory of mind”. I am just different.

——————–

This is my blog that I wrote in July 2013 entitled “Theory of Mind – The Debate Continues” .

Here is Rachel Cohen-Rottenberg’s blog entitled “A Critique of the Theory of Mind” .

And Ariane Zurcher’s blog entitled “An Empathic Debunking of the Theory Of Mind” .

——————–

How do I deal with all of this? I practice mindfulness.  From What Is Mindfulness? :

“Mindfulness means maintaining a moment-by-moment awareness of our thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, and surrounding environment.

Mindfulness also involves acceptance, meaning that we pay attention to our thoughts and feelings without judging them—without believing, for instance, that there’s a “right” or “wrong” way to think or feel in a given moment. When we practice mindfulness, our thoughts tune into what we’re sensing in the present moment rather than rehashing the past or imagining the future.”

I suppose my writing is one way for me to practice mindfulness. Before I started typing tonight I felt like my life was imploding.  The life that I wanted is basically over and I just couldn’t take it anymore.  After putting myself in the moment and allowing the emotions I was feeling to come out in written form, I am starting to feel the pressure that was building up inside me subside.

Deep breaths .  .  . I will not give up. I will get through this. 

Hear My Battle Cry  (A poem I wrote.)

“If you can’t fly then run, if you can’t run then walk, if you can’t walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.”

― Martin Luther King Jr.

Seeing the Truth in Patterns

“To understand is to perceive patterns.”

-Isaiah Berlin

Patterns can be beautiful and calming, even sensuous. Patterns can also be ugly and painful. When you have very strong pattern recognition, you see patterns everywhere and in everything. “Connecting the dots” is just something that comes naturally to someone like me.  Whether it is patterns in tile or how leaves grow on a stem or human behavior, I recognize patterns.

This is why it frustrates me so much when others do not see the patterns staring right into their faces, especially when it comes to human behavior. How can you not see the pattern?  It is right there in front of you, why can’t you see it?  Is this a choice on your part or do you really not see it?

I wonder if it is just too painful for those who do not see the patterns of human behavior. Recognizing the pattern would mean that they would have to accept it for what it is and that is something that they cannot bring themselves to do. The truth can hurt.  Maybe this is why I hear “give him/her the benefit of the doubt”  and “let’s just see what happens” even though there has been years of evidence that shows a very clear pattern of behavior.

In Human Behavior Patterns (The Laws of Probability), Joseph “Joe” Panek states:

Isn’t it interesting how we, as human beings, Choose to Perceive Patterns? On one hand, we Choose to recognize some Patterns for what they Truly are. While on the other hand we Choose to analyze other Patterns until we become confused and dizzy.

For example: we know that the sun rises in the east; we know that if we let something slip from our hands it will fall to the ground; and we know that if we plant a petunia Seed it will grow into a petunia flower and not an oak Tree. We understand, and accept these natural Patterns as Truths and facts and we hardly, if ever, ask “Why?”.

However, when it comes to Human Patterns (Human Behavior) we take an entirely different stance or attitude; we automatically look for, and attempt to dissect, the “Why?” of the situation and casually Ignore the fact of the situation.

Why is this so? Why do we accept nature’s Patterns for what they are yet refuse to accept Human Behavior Patterns for what they are …a Pattern?

Since our earliest childhood society, and all of its factions, groups, and organizations, has Instructed us to recognize things for what they are.

Yet this same society has, on the other hand, Indoctrinated us to give people the “benefit of doubt”, at the expense of Truth, when it comes to their Behavior Patterns.

We have been trained, mostly through Guilt, to Forgive and forget when we should be taught to be Aware and understand.

For Awareness and understanding are our most reliable allies. A person’s past is a testimonial to their future. If a person is a liar or a thief, this is what they are. There is no “sugar coating” of these facts. Yet, how many of us blindly give these individuals the “benefit of a doubt” only to rue our Decision and cry out “Why?”.

I was reminded again today that not everyone is willing to “connect the dots” when it comes to human behavior. It was a painful and disappointing reminder to me, because even someone like me who sees patterns everywhere still chooses to not see the truth for what it really is.  I am human with a scientist brain and I have this incredible need to understand.  I ask “why?” all the time.

Humans are messy. There are so many patterns that don’t make sense.  I ask “why?” and the answers that are given often frustrate me or confuse me more.

  • Why does he keep hurting me?
    • This person has a tendency to not clue into my feelings and doesn’t notice a problem until it is too late.
  • Why doesn’t my family see me for who I am?
    • I am so much more than what they want to see.
  • Why have I had to fight for so long to be able to be me?
    • I have worth and I matter.
  • Why is my “voice” not being taken seriously?
    • Please hear me.

I am told I am just supposed to accept things for how they are and move on, that this is how things are done and how people are and there is no wavering from that. I can’t just blindly accept a pattern of behavior that doesn’t make any sense.  Just because something has always been a certain way does not mean it has to always remain so.  That is a choice to stay like that; to remain behaving in such a way that it continues to hurt people as well as yourself.

After finishing writing that paragraph above, I find myself asking another “why?” question.

  • Why am I writing all this?
    • I have been seeing a pattern for a long time and I have not wanted to see the truth in it. 

Autistic people are commonly overly trusting and have very strong loyalty. I am no different.  I stay and continue to be hurt.  I have remained loyal even though the trust had been shattered.  I still don’t know why I did that and continue to do so.  Over the past year he and I have been working on trying to glue that trust back together, but it remains cracked and fragile. I made a choice to give him the benefit of the doubt even though there had been an accumulation of years of evidence showing a pattern of behavior that was very questionable. 

In the above paragraph I wrote, “I can’t just blindly accept a pattern of behavior that doesn’t make any sense. Just because something has always been a certain way does not mean it has to always remain so.  That is a choice to stay like that; to remain behaving in such a way that it continues to hurt people as well as yourself.”  Yet here I am in the same questionable situation again where I am emotionally hurt on a regular basis. I have chosen to be here.  I am the one who has the pattern of behavior that doesn’t make any sense.  

truth-budda

Again, another “why?” question:

  • Why have I done this?
    • Because I listened to my heart instead of my brain. I wanted my family back. I wanted the man I loved back.

Emotions are funny that way. They blind you to the truth. I can rationalize his pattern of behavior all I like, I did it before my trust in him was shattered, but it doesn’t change the fact that the emotional pain continues.  Does he love me? Yes.  Does he mean to hurt me? No.  As I stated before, he is not conscious of my feelings and still doesn’t understand triggers, or the need to feel safe, or why it is so important to me to have my feelings validated.

He has chosen to not have pattern recognition when it comes to people.  It makes him visibly uncomfortable to discuss matters of human nature.  He doesn’t seem to want to be aware of what is happening around him. He just wants to live his life his way and be shut off from the world.  Unfortunately, he has a family that doesn’t fit into his way of doing things. My children and I are very much part of this world and do not want to be cut off from it.  This means I have a difficult choice to make – Do I stay silent, or keep pointing out patterns of behavior hoping to get somewhere, or just leave all together?

I don’t have an answer to that question at this time.

All I see is the pattern and it worries me.

“To Ignore Human Behavior Patterns, along with the Laws of Probability associated with these Patterns, is to subject ourselves to a lifetime of continual victimization. And if we Honestly look at the personal tragedies of our Past, we are likely to discover that they are the result of the people we allow into our lives and the obvious Behavior Patterns we Choose to Ignore.

For, in the end, whether we Choose to accept this fact or not, a Pattern is a Pattern is a Pattern”

– Joseph “Joe” Panek

**Image found at http://funzypics.com/board/pins/387/28592