The Story of the Liberal and the Conservative and the Need for Consensus . . . . .

Ah, politics. In the United States, our current presidential election race started in March of 2015. Here we are, 19 months later, and the presidential election is almost over.  The general election is November 8, 2016. With only one more week to go until the 45th president is determined, many in the United States are bracing for the end of this very long, very frustrating, and very bizarre presidential race.

Those in my house have wanted all this turmoil to end some time ago and there is a very good reason for this. We have a unique situation in my house, so I am going to digress from my usual talking points and discuss this unique situation. 

My husband is a conservative and I am a liberal. You can probably imagine the arguments we get into.  Finding middle ground is considerably difficult, especially on issues where our passions are very strong.  Then mix in the fact that I am autistic, which inherently leads to social and communication difficulties on my part. My husband is not autistic, but he does have his own form of communication difficulties.  He struggles with expressing himself effectively, particularly when it comes to issues where emotions are involved.

Two people living under the same roof with opposite views when it comes to which direction this country should go. We basically want the same thing, but it is in the “how” that we differ. This “how” comes from how we see the world. Basically, our perspectives, our values, and what we feel is really important. The different ways that our brains are wired, and our ongoing difficulties to effectively communicate with each other, cause a lot of tension in our house, particularly when it comes to political issues.  

Student News Daily breaks down this conundrum of Liberals vs. Conservatives:

We all want the same things in life. We want freedom; we want the chance for prosperity; we want as few people suffering as possible; we want healthy children; we want to have crime-free streets. The argument is how to achieve them…

Liberals believe in government action to achieve equal opportunity and equality for all. It is the duty of the government to alleviate social ills and to protect civil liberties and individual and human rights. Believe the role of the government should be to guarantee that no one is in need. Liberal policies generally emphasize the need for the government to solve problems.

Conservatives believe in personal responsibility, limited government, free markets, individual liberty, traditional American values and a strong national defense. Believe the role of government should be to provide people the freedom necessary to pursue their own goals. Conservative policies generally emphasize empowerment of the individual to solve problems.

NOTE: The terms “left” and “right” define opposite ends of the political spectrum.  In the United States, liberals are referred to as the left or left-wing and conservatives are referred to as the right or right-wing.  On the U.S. political map, blue represents the Democratic Party (which generally upholds liberal principles) and red represents the Republican Party (which generally upholds conservative principles).

Many times when a person hears the word “conservative” they tend to think “Republican”. This thinking also applies to the word “liberal” being connected to “Democrat”.  In my house this is not the case.  I am an Independent.  I am not affiliated with any political group.  My husband leans towards the Libertarians.  He doesn’t agree with everything that is on the Libertarian Party platform, but he agrees with the general idea of their platform – limit the government and leave us the heck alone so we can make choices for ourselves!

From the Libertarian platform Preamble – “As Libertarians, we seek a world of liberty; a world in which all individuals are sovereign over their own lives and no one is forced to sacrifice his or her values for the benefit of others.”

The simple definition of individualism is “the belief that the needs of each person are more important than the needs of the whole society or group”. That might work for some people, but not for me.  I feel if we are going to be able to have equality and equal opportunity for all then the federal government has to play a big role in accomplishing that.  Again, this is just my view.  There are many that feel that individual states should have more rights over what happens within their borders and that there is too much overreach by the federal government. That is their view and they have that right.  I fight for social justice, so this idea of individualism and autonomy over the needs of the whole society is counter intuitive to my desire for a healthy society for all.

According to Don Young, a healthy society has some underlying values:

  • The economy is an integral part of any society; the economy of a healthy society is governed by democratically developed principles.
  • A society should be judged in terms of the well-being of all its members.
  • A healthy society protects the weak while creating opportunities for the strong to flourish; it respects the cultures and human rights of all sectors. The dominant culture of a healthy society promotes co-operation and collaboration as checks and balances on competitive forces.
  • A healthy society needs robust laws and their fair enforcement, as well as creatively governed autonomous institutions that function to promote well-being. It uses law both to deal justly with those who cause harm or threaten the peace, and to protect freedom of expression and assembly.

When it comes to the Republican Party, I have voted for Republican candidates in the past, but never for president. I cannot in good conscious go along with the current Republican platform.  I feel the current party leaders are trying to take this country backwards, not forwards. 

Then there is the Green Party and the Constitution Party. Nope, not for me. The Green Party is too far left and the Constitution Party is too far right.  I think I am more a centrist that is leaning more to the left side than the right side when it comes to the political spectrum.

This is why I currently find myself leaning towards the Democrat platform. I don’t agree with everything that is on this platform, but the current Democrat platform is focusing on the issues that are important to me.  My passions lie in equality and equal opportunity for all, including marriage equality, separation of church and state, health care for all, education (supporting public schools), disability rights, maintaining a woman’s right to choose, science, and the environment – a very much liberal type of platform.

My husband is very much a gun enthusiast, very much a proponent of the constitution, very much supports individual freedoms. Any sense of infringement on these hot-topic issues causes considerable emotional outbursts. This is where his passions lie. There is nothing wrong with this. I support people defending their passions and expressing their feelings.  The problem is that any talk of services that everyone is required to take part in order for all to have access, any talk of gun legislation, and any legislation that could be construed as potentially impeding individual freedoms causes a lot friction between the two of us.

I think society as a whole needs to be addressed and he feels individualism is more important than society.

The story of the liberal and the conservative and the need for consensus . . . . .

From Don Young in What makes societies healthy?:

Poisonous Parties

In both the UK and the US, government is dominated by two political parties. Historically, political parties grew their strength out of their members, primarily at local and regional levels. The rise of mass media, the 24-hour news cycle, and the take-over of party leadership by ambitious men (and a few women) with little or no local regional roots have fundamentally changed the parties. As the party system is not underpinned or constrained by either broad based memberships or any effective collaborative frameworks, they have become largely representative of special interests. This is a tragedy, because as each party’s base becomes narrower and less diverse, the processes of government are more and more bent to serve the interests of the powerful at the expense of the whole people.

Party funding in the UK and the US

The Conservative Party is nearly entirely funded by finance, industry and super-rich individuals; and the Labour Party by trades union bosses supposedly representing their members. Both parties have lost the bulk of their grass-roots memberships. Few members of Parliament have had any significant careers outside of Westminster; their leaders are largely drawn from much the same small pool of party interns and graduates of elite schools or universities; with women’s and ethnic minorities’ barely represented. Membership subscriptions have become insignificant, and both parties rely on special interest donations. Smaller parties seldom get a real chance of attaining power. The electoral system also prevents a wide range of interests from being represented. Britain’s current attempt at coalition government has been characterised by internal conflict and increasingly poisonous relations between the Liberal Democratic party and the right wing of the Conservatives. The Labour Party is now in conflict with union bosses, who believe that their members’ subscriptions should give them the right to appoint Labour Party candidates for safe parliamentary seats. The small regional parties merit barely any attention on the national scene, and the three major parties each face a nation with large geographical areas where they are barely to be seen.

In the United States, Republicans and Democrats seem to be fighting to the death in Congress, preventing most legislative action, even that which could be beneficial to the nation as a whole. The Republicans in particular, are in thrall to extremist forces that oppose whatever the President and his party proposes. In effect, the government is paralysed. (Highlighted for pertinence.)

The prevailing politics in both the UK and US, funded by massive lobbying interests and powerful commercial institutions, has become a negation of democracy. The interests of the rich and powerful trump the common interest. This has become evident to the wider population, who have lost trust and faith in politicians, big business, big unions, and in particular investment banks, hedge funds, private equity houses, and other financial institutions.

The consequences

As a consequence, it is almost impossible for political parties to come together to agree on issues of extreme national importance. Even when they might agree in principle, many politicians emphasise differences to satisfy increasing number of extremists who make up the rump of party membership. There are no powerful counter-weight institutions to bring together the interests of the work force, business, and regions. The result has been serious economic decline and a widening of the gap between the privileged and the less fortunate. Without national consensus, especially about the nature of a healthy society, it is hard to see how either Britain or America can re-build healthy societies with economies and public services that support the interests of all. (Highlighted for pertinence.)

So, here we are in the United States, trying to find consensus in a world where our government has become paralyzed. It is difficult to navigate such a world, especially when you find yourself living with someone who is politically opposite you and you live in a part of a state where you find yourself the minority when to comes to political matters.

I fear the outcome of this current presidential election. Due to obstructionism and extremists, it doesn’t look good one way and looks even worse the other way. I prefer one candidate over another for very specific reasons, but with everything that has been happening in this country, the world as we knew it under President Obama’s eight years of leadership is over and I don’t do well with unknowns.  

The Hell of a Meltdown – When Your Brain Becomes Flooded and Short Circuits

explosion

Image found at Regarding Autistic Meltdowns: What They Are, How to Handle Them, and Why Kids Having Meltdowns are NOT Naughty Brats

My Facebook post from yesterday:

So, meltdowns suck, are painful, are hugely embarrassing, and you cannot stop them . . .

Meltdowns don’t stop when you become an adult . . .

A meltdown has been ongoing all day . . . I am in hell . . .

My environment sucks . . .

Trying to block everything out with music. Life keeps intruding . . .

 According to Bec Oakley from Snagglebox, “Anybody Can Have A Meltdown”:

What are meltdowns?

Put simply, a meltdown is a state of neurological chaos where the brain and nervous system overheat and stop working properly. It’s called that because it’s the body’s equivalent to a meltdown in a nuclear power plant, in which the fuel in the reactor core becomes so hot that it melts and releases energy.

Sometimes it gets so hot that it causes an explosion, and the energy is released outside of the core. It’s this explosive reaction (crying, yelling, lashing out) that most people refer to when they talk about behavioural meltdowns, but that’s just the bit that you can see. There’s a whole lot more going on inside during a meltdown.

Bec Oakley goes on to describe what happens during a meltdown:

What happens during a meltdown?

When we find ourselves in a stressful situation from which we can’t easily escape, the brain becomes flooded with emotional, sensory or cognitive input which jams the circuits and kicks off the ‘fight or flight’ responses associated with panic. Executive functions like memory, planning, reasoning and decision making start to shut down, which makes it even more difficult to find a way out of the situation.

Eventually the neurological pressure builds to the point where it begins to trip internal circuits like language, or is released externally as an outburst of physical energy like yelling, hitting or running away. Although this explosive reaction often seems to come from nowhere, it’s just one part of the meltdown cycle.

Meltdowns are horrid things.  They hurt so much and you can’t stop them. They also don’t stop simply by becoming an adult.  I am 41 years old and I still have them.  At least now I know what they are and I can feel them building.  Five years ago I didn’t know what meltdowns were.  I also didn’t know what autistic burnout was.  Five years ago I was finally diagnosed and I finally had answers.  I wasn’t crazy, I wasn’t losing my mind, and I wasn’t broken. 

The first time I went into autistic burnout I had no idea what was happening to me. I had no words to describe it.  It was hell.  It felt like I had been sucked into a black hole.  I was being torn apart, yet no one could see it.  I was screaming for help, but no one heard me.  I had to claw my way out on my own.  It took years.  During that time I was diagnosed with PTSD. That was just over 12 years ago. That initial PTSD diagnoses has now been upgraded to Complex-PTSD.

I have fallen into autistic burnout many times since, but I knew what it was and I knew what to do. I have once again fallen into autistic burnout, but this time is different. I know longer have a healing environment to submerse myself in.  In fact, it is this environment that I currently exist in that has led to this newest bout of autistic burnout.  I have been having more and more meltdowns.  Yesterday was a particularly bad one.  As I type this I am still struggling to recover from it.  I am shaking as I type.  The crying that started yesterday morning hasn’t really stopped.  My brain wants to shut down, but I have to keep going.  I have responsibilities to take care of.  I don’t have the luxury of shutting down to allow my body and mind to heal. 

Yesterday evening I went through my old blogs looking for ones about meltdowns. I started blogging in September 2012. Pain and struggle seem to be re-occurring themes with me and it is getting really old.  Today I have been playing Avril Lavinge – Keep Holding On  over and over again. I am determined to make it through.  I will keep holding on.

Here are my past blogs about meltdowns:

The Dreaded Meltdown – Part 1 and The Dreaded Meltdown – Part 2 – February 10, 2013

Why Won’t They Listen? – January 27, 2014

Being Emotionally Exhausted – February 27, 2014

Here I am Again – The Long Road of Living Exhausted – January 8, 2015

Side to Side – May 13, 2015

Here is some more useful information about meltdowns and autistic burnout:

The Tell Tale Signs of Burnout … Do You Have Them? – Psychology Today Article

Ask an Autistic #3 – What is Autistic Burnout? – Video

Meltdowns: triggers vs. root cause – Blog (Life, His Way – Thriving with Autism)

 

I am Real, I am Human, and I Feel!

Imagine that you are having a serious conversation with someone that you have been involved with for almost 20 years and they end up telling you that they don’t know what makes you happy.

How would that make you feel?

Distraught? Shocked? Beside yourself? Dumbfounded?

How about all of the above?

This scenario actually happened to me recently and it was all of the above for me. There I was with someone I had devoted my life to and this person had no idea what makes me happy.  How could this be?  I knew this person inside and out.  How could they not know me?

I had to give myself sometime to process this revelation and to figure out how this was even possible. I have encountered this type of thing before, but never at this level.

 I was told growing up that I was stuck-up just because I didn’t talk much. As an adult I have been asked by a close family member if I even had feelings. I have been referred to as a robot numerous times.  I was told by my second OB-GYN that I was the most stoic person she had ever known. This comment was made by this doctor after I had a traumatic pregnancy where I had almost lost my son and that had almost left me paralyzed.  Based on my extensive damage and amount of pain I was in, she had expected me to be in a ball on the floor weeping, but instead I was calmly sitting in a chair talking to her.

The person mentioned in the beginning will tell you that I am actually a very emotional person.  I wear my emotions on my sleeve, so to speak.  I can’t hide them. My emotions are out and they are strong.  I feel things very intensely, so how do people not see this? Why am I invisible?

According to Jean SequeiraTo be happy one needn’t feel content, yet they do go hand in hand. Happiness is self defined. Let me word it as I percieve being happy. Happiness is purely a state of mind,  so being happy is being in the flow of feeling good, irrespective of anything. Most of us in todays time, it is “I am happy becoz of this this this ….” and the list goes on,when that this this this is no more, then u move down to feeling low/sad/depressed. Being content is a level of acceptance to the now, there is no demand for more, it is just being happy with what it is, so indirectly contentment also leads to being happy.”

How often do autistic people’s ways of perceiving the world get dismissed, ignored, or told that how they feel is wrong simply because they are self-defining their own feelings and it doesn’t go along with so-called societal expectations on how feelings are “supposed to be” felt, expressed, and/or demonstrated?

There is no wrong way to experience feelings.

How you react when you are experiencing those feelings could potentially be problematic, however, especially if you hurt yourself or hurt someone else, but your feelings are never wrong.

Feelings and emotional states are often used interchangeably, but there are distinct differences.  For more information about this see What’s The Difference Between Feelings and Emotions?.

In his blog Are Feelings Good? Are Feelings Bad? Lawrence E. Kincade, PH.D., LCSW states “To put it clearly:  they are neither.  That’s right, feelings – any feeling and all feelings – are neither good nor bad.  They are neither blameworthy nor deserving of praise.  They are neither immoral nor virtuous.  They are not right.  They are not wrong.  They just are.  That’s the first thing to know about feelings.  Feelings just come to you on their own.  To say to yourself, “I shouldn’t have this feeling of anger!” makes as much sense as saying to yourself, “I shouldn’t have these brown eyes.”  In both cases, you have no choice.”

My feelings are my own and I have no choice in how I experience them. They are neither right nor are they wrong. They just are. How I experience happiness isn’t wrong, either.  It just is.  Just because my way of experiencing happiness is not the same as another doesn’t mean I don’t experience happiness.

During the aforementioned conversation, it was determined that the definition of what “happiness” is happened to be different for the other person when compared to mine. This person couldn’t see my happiness, because it did not fit their definition of what they thought happiness is supposed to be.

Based on their definition, I would never be happy, because it involved being content and at peace in your environment. As an autistic person, the world hurts. Everything is too bright, too loud, too rough, too fast or not fast enough. Smells are too strong, food has to be a certain way, socks have to be straight, and no tags on clothes!

People behave in ways that don’t make any sense, yet I am expected to behave like they do, and why the heck is there so much importance placed on small talk?  Just let me get my job done without the pressure to respond to something that has nothing to do with the task at hand.  Also, why do people feel they have to kiss up to people? Laugh a fake laugh at things that aren’t funny?  Why are people so vague?  Say what you mean and mean what you say!  How hard is that?  Apparently, harder than I think, because people want you to look between the lines and figure out meaning.  When their body language doesn’t match their words it gets very confusing, but they get mad at you because you misinterpret their confusing coded language.

How can anyone be content and at peace when your environment is like what is described above? What is described also doesn’t include problems that are only exasperated by additional health problems and co-existing conditions. When the world is not designed for you, just living becomes a challenge.  I long for the day when I can live my life and not just survive, struggling each and every day just to make it to the next sunrise and then do it all over again. It is exhausting.

This all came to mind when I was confronted with the realization that this person whom I had spent almost half my life with didn’t know what made me happy. I began to think about all the other people in my life.  Do they feel the same way?  Do they really not know me, because their definition of (fill-in-the-blank) was different from mine?  Was this why I have been referred to as a robot, selfish, stuck-up, cold-hearted, and unfeeling when it has always been the complete opposite?

I am 41 years old and I have never understood how so many people in my life have never really seen me. They see what they want to see, which isn’t always correct. There is a box and I am expected to fit in that box.  If I don’t fit in whatever that box is, then I get the negative labels or I am ignored, dismissed, or never really known at all, which seems to be happening more over the years.

I was diagnosed when I was 36 years old. This diagnosis happened after both my children were diagnosed.  My diagnosis was liberating for me.  I finally understood that I wasn’t broken.  I learned my neurology was different which meant I needed to unlearn some things and relearn other things.  I had to learn how to cope in a world that isn’t designed for me. I had to learn how to advocate, because I was never taught how to.  I had to learn that it was okay to say “no”, something that had been denied me all my life.  One of the most important things I learned was to have pride in myself.  Yes, I am a disabled person. Yes, I struggle, but I like who I am. I have worth.  I have skill.  I am human, I have feelings, and I matter.

Here is a song that I felt fit what was going on in my head during this time – How Soon Is Now (Lyrics On Screen) ~ by Love Spit Love (Cover), The Smiths (Original Version)

Unfortunately, many people in my life didn’t want to see me in any other way then what was in the preconceived box that they had been trying to shove me into all my life. I never fit in that box and I only got damaged by their attempts to make me fit.  These people I am referring to couldn’t understand why I had spread my wings and fought to escape that box. 

I had to grieve the loss of a life I thought I had and work to accept who I really was as a person. I never grieved when my children were diagnosed.  I never felt I lost anything.  They were still the same amazing people they had always been. We just had an answer now so they wouldn’t have to go through what I did.  I was a different matter, though.  I had 36 years of brainwashing and compliance training to overcome.   People in my life couldn’t accept this grieving from me.  To them, I apparently was supposed to still “pretend” to be who they expected me to me.  They still couldn’t see me, the real me.  I don’t know if they just couldn’t or wouldn’t see the person that I had always been.  All I do know is that I was on my own and I was determined to make it through.

Here we are, five years later. So much as changed since I was diagnosed, so much upheaval, so much pain, so much loss, but also a chance for redemption and second chances.  I am not the same person that I was when I embarked on this journey five years ago.  I am stronger now.  I learned about boundaries and have established firm ones.  When someone who I love very much told me that they didn’t know what made me happy, I had to figure out what the heck was going on and not just let it get ignored.   

 As much as I was dumbfounded by this revelation, I also felt a sense of gratefulness that this person was being so honest with me. Honor, integrity, and accountability are very important virtues to me and this person has a history of lying by omission and being passive aggressive towards me.  This time this person chose honesty over hiding things from me.

I honored this honesty by providing my own.

So, what makes me happy?

In 1998, I met a person on the door step of my sister’s apartment. I felt I had known this person all my life.  This had never happened to me before and has not happened since.  I felt safe with this person.  I could wrap myself in his arms and the world would disappear.  That painful overwhelming world would just melt away and all there was left was his warmth, his scent, the rise and fall of his breath, and the beat of his heart. For the first time in my life I could say I was really happy and content.  It has remained that way even when all the problems arose and he chose to leave instead of facing his inner demons.

He came home, though, after three years, and it made all the difference. Once again, I am safe in his arms. Once again, we are a family.

Even after all this time he is still learning who I am, but at least he is willing to do that now. In the past, he was one of the ones who wanted me to fit in a preconceived box of expectations. Now he is helping me spread my wings and we are facing this world together.

I love you, honey. Thank you for being who you are.  

I Had an Epiphany . . . .

I had a bit of an epiphany yesterday while at work. How public schools are run is just plain weird.  I know how that must sound.  Here I am a product of the public school system.  I was trained to be public school teacher and have been one for the past 18 years.  Why this epiphany now?

It comes down to the fact that I have been home schooling for the past two years.  The way it is set up in our house is that we combine home schooling and unschooling. Home schooling is defined as “the education of children at home by their parents”.  Unschooling is defined as “an educational method and philosophy that advocates learner-chosen activities as a primary means for learning. While often considered a subset of homeschooling, unschoolers may be as philosophically separate from other homeschoolers as they are from advocates of conventional schooling”.

What this means for us is that I follow all the state mandated educational standards when I create the curriculum that I teach both my children, but the curriculum is geared toward their specific interests and needs using Universal Design for Learning Standards This is true differentiated instruction.

“In EdSpeak: A Glossary of Education Terms, Phrases, Buzzwords, and Jargon, Diane Ravitch defines differentiating instruction as a form of instruction that seeks to “maximize each student’s growth by recognizing that students have different ways of learning, different interests, and different ways of responding to instruction.” – Differentiated Instruction

My son has told me that he feels he has learned more being in a home school setting than he would have if he had stayed in the public school setting. The environment that we have created at home allows my son’s and my daughter’s needs to be met. This allows them to maximize their growth, because they are not constantly bombarded by the constraints and expectations of a public school setting and all the sensory crap that comes with it.

So, what was this about an epiphany?

As I stated, public schools are weird. It is designed to push through large amounts of children, who have been grouped together based on birth year, using boxed up standardized curriculum with boxed up standardized expectations of outcomes and behavior. 

Stand in a straight line! No talking! No fidgeting! Don’t touch the walls! Rush, rush, rush. Test, test, test. Must conform! Must Comply! Must meet standard as dictated by people who don’t know you or your situation. Must complete requirements for things you see no point in and have very little to no interest in. Must do all these things, but you really have no idea why, it is just how it has always been since entering Kindergarten. Also, be social, join a school club, and play sports!!

Then there are the teachers. One person responsible for 30-40 young people. If you are a secondary teacher, that number can be over a hundred or more. Teachers are told they must use differentiated instruction, they must use the canned curriculum, and they must use whatever strategy –de jour the administration or the state has said teachers must learn and use but with limited resources and extra unpaid time.

Um . . . . .

Do you see a problem here?

I understand the need for order. You cannot maintain 30-40 young people without some sort of expected procedure. I understand why a canned curriculum is convenient. A time table is set. Certain concepts have to be covered in a given time period. Everyone is getting access to the same education, right?

Unfortunately, that is not true. A one-sized model, or in this case, one-sized general education setting model actually ends up leaving a lot of kids behind with many falling through the cracks of this system of funneling kids through. It is impossible for one teacher to provide differentiated instruction to everyone when classes are so large, and those who actually get access to it, usually those with IEPs, well, it can be questionable. Is it really quality differentiated instruction? This infographic goes into what differentiation is and what it isn’t.  

Get them to graduate! That’s the point! After that they are on their own. Just get them to graduate!

Ya . . . . .

Over the years I have taught Kindergarten through 12th grade and I have heard that many times in one form or another. Just get them to graduate. I for one feel as a teacher that getting a student to graduate is not the end all be all of our profession.  What about actually educating these kids?  What about actually instilling the love of wonder and the desire to learn instead of shoving standardization down their throats?

schoolsfish

Schools are seen as factories and non-educators are mandating reforms that treat students like products, products that can take anywhere from 13 – 16 years to make. Yet, these non-educators in power are not seeing the return on these products as fast as they want and these products are not up to performance standards that they established without any teacher input. Here is the thing, CHILDREN ARE NOT PRODUCTS!!!!! THEY ARE ALSO NOT NUMBERS!!!

Children are living, breathing, emotional beings and each one of them is unique with unique interests and needs.

Sure, public schools get the job done, sort of. According to data gather by GOVERNING from the National Center for Education Statistics, Common Core of Data State Dropout and Graduation Rate Data, “U.S. public high schools recorded a four-year graduation rate of 80 percent for the 2011-12 school year, an all-time high. Graduation rates vary greatly by state and race. Nationwide, black students graduated at a rate of 69 percent; Hispanics graduated at 73 percent; whites graduated at a rate of 86 percent.”

That 80% is considered average and it is what they are calling an “all-time” high as of 2012. What about the other 20% of high school seniors who did not graduate? Again, this is an average. The number actually varies from state to state and varies by race.

My children are still in high school, but if it wasn’t for the option of home schooling, I fear they would have been part of that 20% failure rate by no fault of their own. We didn’t choose home schooling out of some thinking that public school was this horrid thing or for some sort of religious reason. We chose home schooling due to the intolerable environment of the public school setting becoming too much and my children becoming no longer able to cope with it.

SIDE NOTE: Before anyone suggests private school, no, we cannot afford a private school even if we wanted it and the only private school available near us is a private religious school. We are not religious.

My children made it through public school up until middle school. That is when everything began to fall apart. They struggled up until then, but they were making it with a lot of advocacy on my part.  I taught in the same elementary school that they both first attended. We were lucky in that regard and it helped immensely.  Unfortunately, we were in a small rural community who felt special education was just a babysitting service.  Teachers just started trying their best to support students on IEPs, because the special education department pretty much failed at following  IEPs and failed helping teachers to make specific accommodations that these students needed to be successful. We could have sued the district for failing to adhere to my son’s IEP and for refusing to put my daughter on an IEP when she was struggling more academically then her brother.  We decided to move instead due to my job as a science teacher being cut to less than half-time due to budget cuts.

We tried another school district. My son made it through another year and a half before the special education teacher at the middle school told me that they didn’t know how to help my son. His Agoraphobia and Misophonia were debilitating him so badly that he could no longer attend classes. My son is an independent learner, so this allowed me to continue working. My daughter soon followed her brother in home schooling due to a family trauma. She could no longer handle a full day of school, but she is not an independent learner. This complicated me working. I went from working multiple part-time jobs, to only working one.

Last year she started high school. Things started out okay, attending half-days, but things went spiraling out of control second semester. She ended up in a psychiatric hospital for adolescents. After seven years of trying to get her on an IEP, she finally has one. It took for her to have what we think was a psychotic episode for the school system to finally wake up and see that my daughter had specific needs that they were failing to acknowledge and address simply because she was quiet and not considered a behavioral problem. This was what I was continually told as to why the school system never put her on an IEP. She was an easy person to push through the system. She was a quiet student who didn’t cause problems and who worked her butt off every night trying to meet standard. It was exhausting for her and she ultimately ended up failing and stopped going to classes.

How often does this happen to high school kids around the country? My daughter is autistic, has bipolar, and has multiple learning disabilities that the school failed to address.  How often do kids just give up, because the system failed them?

Here we are, in another new school district, in our third year of home school/unschooling with both my children in high school attending a Home Link program two half-days a week with a dash of public school services thrown in every weekday morning to cover my daughter’s IEP requirements. This Home Link program requires 25 hours of educational time each week and my children have two additional teachers besides myself. We are three weeks in and so far so good.

Crossing my fingers and knocking on wood that my daughter will graduate high school in 2019 and my son will graduate high school in 2020. These next four years are going to be tough. With my family responsibilities, I am only able to work maybe a few times a month as a substitute teacher. Our income is limited. I have to do this for the mental and emotional well-being of my children, but not everyone can do this, though. Most people can’t.

Eighteen years ago I became a teacher. As an undergraduate, we were told then that the education system was archaic and broken. After all these years as a certified professional teacher, I can say that the system is still archaic and broken. The non-educators in charge have only tried to apply Band-Aids to a situation they know nothing about and have systematically stripped the power of teachers to do anything about it on their end.

Public school is weird and I have no answers.

I am going to end with a song by Hank Green called, “This isn’t Hogwarts! A Harry Potter Song”. It seems fitting.

“I Don’t Know What To Do.” – A Parent’s Dilemma

NOTE: This blog was posted with my children’s permission. It may be removed at any time if my children feel they no longer want this information shared in this public format. Information contained in this blog involves the struggle with mental illness in conjunction with autism. 

Trigger Warning: Reference to suicidal thoughts and plans for suicide. 

I don’t know what to do.

For seven and a half years we have been trying to find the “right” path, the “right” combinations of medications, the “right” program for school, the “right” way to handle issues at home. I don’t know what the “right” way is anymore.

You can’t help a person who doesn’t want to be helped.

I have to keep reminding myself that. You can’t help a person who doesn’t want to be helped.  All you can do is give them a door and directions on how to go through that door.  They have to decide if they (1) want to go through that door and (2) if they want to put in the effort necessary to go through the door.

Even if they do what is necessary to go through the door, they also have to keep putting in the effort to be able to stay on that other side of the door. If they don’t, they fall backwards.  I understand that maintaining that effort is hard, especially in the beginning.  It is like one step forward and two steps back. This is why proper support is so important.  It keeps the person from sliding too far back.  They need a hand to hold on to, a hand that can help guide them, especially on those really difficult days

The thing is, that hand that is always there can only do so much. That hand can beg, plead, bargain, demand, surrender one day only to try again the next.  The hand can keep doing that day after day, but that hand will start to question how long they can keep at it. How long do they keep putting in the effort when the other person that they are trying to help refuses to grab hold? How long do they allow the other person to continue to disrupt the lives of others in the family? 

It sounds selfish, I know. A parent should not waiver when helping their child.  A parent needs to be there always, right?

I just don’t know what to do anymore.

We have tried so damn much, even tried things multiple times just to make sure. This week my oldest will be ending her 90 day outpatient treatment program and I am afraid for her.  I am afraid what is going to happen next and the stress that it will put on her and our family. The first month and a half had been very promising.  She was calmer than I had seen her in such a long time.  She was excited to go the program. After losing three months of school due to emotional distress, she actually wanted to go to this school/counseling/outpatient program.  Unfortunately, things have taken a rather negative turn.  Over the last month and a half and she has had two depression break through periods.

She never made it to the program last week and only managed three hours of school work. That doesn’t bode well for passing 10th grade.

Seven and a half years ago, my daughter was diagnosed with bipolar. Over the years, that diagnosis evolved into Bipolar II and Autism Level 2 with accompanying expressive language impairment.  She has started on psychiatric medication when she was only eight years old. She has been on as many as six different medications at a time taking them 3 – 5 times a day and still we have been no closer to establishing stabilization of her moods.  She will tell you that the medications have slowed down her mood fluctuations, but that is it. The official term for the type of bipolar she has is Juvenile Onset Bipolar – “Fear of Harm” Phenotype that is ultra-rapid cycling. 

For more information about “Fear of Harm” Phenotype – The 6 Dimensions of the Fear of Harm (FOH) Phenotype

For more information about rapid cycling Bipolar – Rapid Cycling and its Treatment

She ended up in the hospital this past spring due to hallucinations and suicidal thoughts. The voices were telling my daughter to use knives to kill herself. At that time it was thought that maybe what we are dealing with is Schizioaffective Disorder – Bipolar TypeMy daughter has talked about her hallucinations for years, but this was the first time the voices were telling her a suicide plan.  Only time will tell if her diagnosis evolves again.

Whatever my daughter is struggling with, we have yet to find a combination of therapy and medications that will help her stabilize. Our goal is six months of stable moods before we consider her stabilized.

It is not just the rapid mood cycling that is causing issues, it is also the mixture of bipolar and autism. Problems arise, because treatment for one will cause the symptoms of the other to worsen. This requires a very delicate balance of care.  There is also her age to consider.  In the state where we live in, once you turn 13 years old, you have a choice regarding your mental health care.  You can chose to not receive care, you can chose to not have your therapist disclose information to your parents, you can chose outpatient or inpatient care.  Inpatient care can be involuntary, but that takes a very long paper trail documenting pain, struggle, and failure.

We were fortunate enough to be able to have access to the outpatient treatment program that my daughter is just now finishing. It is two hours away from our house and it is an all-day affair (8:00AM to 4:30PM) Monday – Friday. At first it was workable.  It was summer time. I wasn’t working (I’m a teacher). We had been able to get fuel vouchers from Special Mobility Services, but only for a short time.  Our fuel vouchers were revoked for reasons we still do not fully understand and neither does the treatment center nor my daughter’s counselor. 

I live in a state that is rated 49th in mental health care.  What the treatment facility told us was that we had fallen victim to a system that is broken. There was nothing we could do.  I wasn’t going to pull my daughter out of a program that was helping and that she wanted to attend. This meant paying for all that fuel ourselves.  We are a low income family. Having to pay for the fuel in order to get my daughter needed medical care has put a considerable financial hardship on us.  Food is scarce in my house. Bills are paid late or are only partially paid. I stay in town for 8 ½ hours at the library Monday – Friday waiting for my daughter to finish her day, then we drive two hours to get home.  Most days my son joins us so he doesn’t have to be home alone.  We don’t have internet at our house or television services.  Being at the library allows my son access to the internet so he is able to work on school assignments.

Both my children are autistic and both are students of our local Home Link/homeschool program. They have recently started school in a third school district. The first failed to follow my son’s IEP, the second was honest with us about not knowing how to help my son. When people ask my son why he is in home school, he often tells them, “The school district didn’t know how to help me with my mental illness”.  He has debilitating anxiety issues (Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Agoraphobia, and Social Anxiety) as well as depression. He also has misophonia  which causes considerable problems for him. Just to be clear, Autism is not a mental illness.  It is a developmental disorder.  When my son speaks about his mental illness, he means exactly that.  He is not talking about his autism.

For more information about Misophonia – The Symptoms & Triggers of Misophonia

The first school district refused to grant my daughter an IEP citing loopholes as the reason. When we moved to the second school district, we discovered that she was three years behind her peers in reading ability. I ended up getting my daughter a private tutor to reteach her how to read and my son how to write. My daughter has gained ground these past four years, but is now four-five years behind her peers in reading ability.  It took nearly four years and a hospital stay before the second school district granted my daughter an IEP.  Both my children are highly intelligent, but struggle with learning disabilities.  Both have dysgraphia and my daughter also has dyslexia. Both need extra social and emotional support at school.

All four of us, both of my children, my husband, and me tend to have paradoxical effects from medications that are designed to affect the brain in some way. If not paradoxical effects, then no effects at all, meaning no benefit from the medication. Whether it is psychiatric medications (all of us) or pain medications (mainly me) it just doesn’t work for us.  Between adolescence and the sensitivity issue with medication, finding the “right” combination of medication has proven to be quite a challenge for my daughter. 

The most recent change was introducing Lithium. Yes, Lithium, the go to drug for bipolar, has been tried. It affected her bladder, her eyes, and caused agitation. Her body also metabolized it too fast. We could never get a high enough therapeutic dose in her body and the medication was increased three times to pretty high levels. We went back to using Tegretol which she has had some success with in slowing down her mood cycles. Hydroxyzine, which is an allergy medication, has helped with her high levels of anxiety. It is fast acting, but not enough. She was also taking Geodon (another mood stabilizer) that helped strengthen the effects of the Tegretol, but has since stopped due to insurance problems with getting that particular medication. She takes medication three times a day and is able to add a smaller hydroxyzine dose two more times to address her anxiety if needed.

Next week she starts half-day attendance at our local high school where she will receive the services listed on her IEP. The rest of her schooling will be at home.  This past week she fell into another depression period. She stopped caring for herself, stopped caring about anything, becoming defiant and aggressive. 

Part of this is not her fault. She has no control over what her brain does.  What she does have control over is using her skills, not hurting people verbally or physically, and wanting to get help. I understand that when you use up too many “spoons”, using your skills is just not an option.  I get that.  I have been there many times.

I don’t have the same struggles as she does, but I am personally familiar with some of them, and I also have the advantage of being an adult. I have had years of practice in developing my coping skills. I am autistic as well.  I struggle with debilitating anxiety and I also struggle with depression and Complex-PTSD, but I don’t have bipolar.  I have no idea what it is like to be at war with yourself in the way she describes.

I can help guide her in calming strategies and help her establish a sensory friendly environment. I can help her break down her school work into more understandable parts. I can remind her to take her medication and I can take her to her counseling appointments. I can advocate for her both with the doctors and with the school.  I can be there when she needs a hug and encouraging words when all her internal struggles become too much. I can tell her that I love her and will always love her even when her brain is telling her that everyone hates her or when her brain tells her that she hates everyone.  I can be that hand that is always there for her, but she needs to put in effort as well.

I can’t do everything for her. I understand that she is developmentally delayed, much more so than her brother and me, but she is also a teenager with typical teenage behaviors. She does not need to be coddled.  She needs to be treated as the 15 year old that she is.  She is a capable person, but either doesn’t believe it or doesn’t want to be. She regularly pulls out her helpless card citing that she can’t do anything; this includes school work, house work, and any every day thing.  She doesn’t like to be told that she is 15, but says instead that she is nine years old or six years old depending on the day and the level of her anxiety.  Sometimes she is clearly 15 years old and makes it well known, especially when she wants to control everything and everyone. The age she feels fluctuates with her moods.

I often remind myself, particularly on harder days, of all the amazing things that makes my daughter who she is. She loves Doctor Who and Star Wars.  She also loves Science Fiction, Action Adventure, and Fantasy. Her, her brother and I often communicate using echolalia from these different genera.  She speaks the language of science and often talks about becoming a limnologist when she grows up. She is the “Blue Earth Saver” as she is known on the computer games she plays.  She loves animals and is so gentle with them.  She is an incredibly perceptive and empathetic person who is deeply affected by stories of war, violence, death, and struggle. Her school work has to be adjusted for this reason.

My daughter is such a strong person and has such clarity when she is between mood swings. She has been through more crap during her short time on this planet than most adults have had to deal with their entire lives. This is why I think she is tired.  She is tired of the constant struggle.  She is tired of nothing working.  She says the medications just covers things up, just a Band-Aid, they don’t work. She tired of the constant war in her head and feeling afraid to leave our house. She is tired of everything hurting. Too bright, too loud, too rough, too many expectations, no understanding, no order, no predictability.  Home is safe,  home makes sense, home is where her things are, home is where her pets are, home is where she can escape into unconsciousness and sleep the day away.  

Therein lies the problem. She has been progressively giving up. Giving up her dreams of the future, giving up trying to do well in school (she was on the honor roll all through middle school), giving up on practicing her skills, giving up on trying to work with the family as a team, giving up self-care, just plain giving up on everyone and everything.  She is done.  That is it. No more trying. She is done with it all.

With the days getting shorter and colder, she is already beginning to slide backwards. The outpatient center was helping her, but continued progression requires her to put in the effort. She is done.  No more effort. 

So, what does a parent do in this situation? Just let her continue to decline?  Have her end up back in the hospital over and over again?  Have a judge end up finally taking her rights away so she can become an involuntary inpatient? Have a judge take mine and my husband’s rights away as parents which would lead to her being pulled out of our house and put into the system where a social worker controls her life?

These options are unacceptable to me.

I don’t know what to do.

I don’t know what else I can do to help her.

Seven and a half years of fighting for services from the schools, doctors, and the government. Seven and a half years of struggling to find the “right” combinations of medications. Seven and a half years of constant questioning and research on my part in trying to settle that little voice in my head that says we are missing something. She shouldn’t be struggling so much. WE ARE MISSING SOMETHING!!!!

Her autism wasn’t diagnosed until she was 10 years old, two years after she was diagnosed with bipolar and a year after her brother was diagnosed with autism. When she was a toddler, she was tested twice for autism, but they told me she didn’t have a high enough score for the diagnosis.  What I didn’t realize at the time was that they were using a criterion that was biased towards boys. I had to push for her to be reevaluated to check for autism, because once she was put on medication, her autistic traits started to really show. The bipolar was overshadowing her autism.  I had to push to have her evaluated for learning disabilities.  I knew as a teacher and a mom that something wasn’t right, but, once again, she was over looked.  She wasn’t a behavior problem at school.  She was quiet and could be ignored. I had to get outside professionals to evaluate both my children, because the school didn’t see a problem, didn’t see how they both struggled far too much.

I have actually fought for longer than seven and a half years. I have fought for my children’s well-being since they were born. I have been a parent for 15 ½ years.  I am also tired and I am running out of options. 

My hand is there and I will continue to offer it to my daughter no matter what, even if she doesn’t take it. I am a parent.  It is my job. I am not giving up on her. She is my Sunshine and always will be.  

The Hidden Meaning Behind “I’m Tired”

What comes to mind when a person tells you they are tired? Do you ask them if they didn’t sleep well the night before?  Do you start talking about changing diets or increasing their amount of exercise?  Do you think of anything at all or do you just nod your head and start chit chatting about other things?

I don’t remember the last time I wasn’t tired. I am perpetually tired.  The word “tired” doesn’t even seem to be an appropriate word for how I feel, but I don’t know what other word to use.  Exhausted? Fatigued? Overloaded? Drained? Burned out? Stressed beyond what would be considered acceptable levels? 

In September 2012, I began writing publicly about my journey with my family. That was eight months after I was diagnosed. I was the third in my family to learn that I was in fact autistic.  We each also have our own co-existing conditions that manifest themselves in ways unique to each of us.  We might share diagnostic labels, but how these conditions present themselves is different depending on whom you are talking about.  Age, personality, genetics, and environment all affect how these presentations occur.

This all plays into what it really means when a person says they are tired. Looking back over my old writings I see that there are common themes in many of them: exhaustion, stress, pain, burnout, and making it through it all.  

When asked how they are doing both my children often have a scripted response of “I’m tired.” That simple two word response is actually a very loaded response. Hidden behind these two words is a long story of struggle, confusion, stress, frustration, pain, and exhaustion.

How does one go about breaking down all the components of “I’m tired”? Do you even try or do you just shrug it off, because you don’t know how to respond to it?  You see the person who said they are tired still getting through their day with everything that is required, so maybe you think their tiredness really isn’t so bad? Maybe you don’t stop and think about the reasons behind their tiredness and just add more to their already full plate. Maybe you are unaware of how their plate changes sizes depending on the day, so you just keep loading more things on them. More requests, more demands, more expectations, more and more until the person either explodes or shuts down.

Human beings are amazing creatures. They can take a lot of shit before it is just too much and their bodies and minds simply cannot endure any more.  Resilience, determination, patience, and stoicism are aspects of me that have gotten me through so much crap in my 41 years on this planet. I endure. I go on.  I keep moving forward, because there is no other direction for me to go.

I’m tired, sooooo very tired. I often wonder if there will be any time in my life when I am not tired.  I think there will be. I really do.  There has to be.  My brain cannot fathom that there will never be a time when I can say I am not tired, so I keep moving forward.  I look forward to that day when I am no longer tired, a day when I can wake up in the morning and actually feel refreshed.  It has become a quest of sorts.  A day free of exhaustion!  That will be an awesome day.

A few past blogs about exhaustion, burnout, and resiliency:

Here I am Again – The Long Road of Living Exhausted

Being Emotionally Exhausted

Exhausted All The Time

Here is the blog I wrote about resiliency.

This blog was a response of mine to Musings of an Aspie’s blog that is entitled “Autistic Regression and Fluid Adaptation”.

Here are some helpful Tumblr blogs about autistic burnout.

 

Rescuing Myself from Unrelenting Frustration

Frustration. I am not talking about the type of frustration that you experience while sitting in a car and the person in the car next to you is blasting the bass that pounds your ears, it is too hot, and the red light just won’t change to green. You can escape from that type of frustration.

I am talking about the type of frustration that is ongoing and seemingly unrelenting. The type of frustration that you can’t escape from, the type that makes you feel stuck and helpless in an intolerable situation that you can’t do anything about.  I have been experiencing this type of frustration for far too long.  

Here is a video by Charlie McDonnell about him coming out about having anxiety and depression – Anxiety, Depression, and Being a Downer.

I can’t escape it, I can’t make it better, and it is not going to get any better any time soon. I am past the point of “dealing with it”.  I am to the point of just trying to survive it.  I must endure for mine and my family’s sake.  They are stuck in the same frustration that I am, but how we each are experiencing it is unique to each individual.

How do I explain this? Where do I start?

First of all, we are in the process of building a house. Due to weather and financial setbacks we got behind on our building time line.  Our lease ended before our house was even close to being able to be lived in.  As of tonight, we are on our 26th night living in tents on our building site which is on half of my in-laws’ 160 acres of cleared pasture, but mostly heavily treed land.  Three nights ago I was done with tent living.

It is not just the fact that we are living in tents that has gotten me to this place. It is the constant buzzing of insects (lots and lots of yellow jackets), the heat during the day and the cold at night, the dust, the lack of proper bathroom and kitchen facilities, lack of privacy, the lack of sleep, lack of proper nutrition, and lack of money.

As I type this I am struck by my privilege. Here I am typing this on my laptop while sitting in my tent with a bottle of clean water next to me.  I am used to having a proper toilet, running water, and a cold refrigerator.  I am used to having four solid walls and windows and doors that lock.  I am use to having access to the internet on a regular basis.  I am use to being in an environment where I can control for the most part how light or dark or cold or hot I want it to be. 

I am not used to living in tents. I am used to tents being something you use to go camping in when on vacation, not to live in for a prolonged period of time.  I am coming from a place of privilege and I am whining about how frustrating my current situation is.  Yes, it could be worse.  We could be living out on the street.  We are not eating well, but we are not starving. It could be winter instead of summer. 

Again, yes, it could be worse. The key here is that I am not accustomed to this type of prolonged living.  There is no safe place for me. My body and mind cannot recover from the stress in the way that I need them to and am using so many more “spoons” living in this environment then I would be in the environment that I am accustomed to, the one that is safe for me.  I have lived in various states of burnout for years.  I know what I need to do in order to replenish my “spoons” so I can function well.  I am using way too many “spoons” right now and I am not able to adequately replenish them.  I knew it was going to be hard, but it still frustrates me that I am not able to tolerate living in tents to the level that I had hoped I would.    

An addition to our stressful living situation is the constant driving that I am doing (my daughter is an outpatient at a facility that is two hours away from where we live now). I am on the road four to eight hours a day depending if I come home or not during the eight and a half hours that my daughter is away.  That is A LOT of money being used to pay for gas.  I had fuel vouchers, but they were revoked for reasons we still don’t quite understand.  What we got out of it was that psychiatric health care is not seen as important as physical health care.  It is a long story that I won’t go into here, but just more frustration to add to the mix.

There is also the stress with our pets (one dog, three cats, and two parakeets) and the problems we have had with feral cats trying to get to our house cats that stay in my tent all day. My tent has been slashed open in many places. I sewed it up as best as I could, but the tent is pretty much trashed.  

Then there is the big problem of dealing with my husband’s past transgressions and all the choices he made during a three year period of hell when he was self-destructing. For more Information regarding this read Reaching for More, but also Striving for Balance.

My family is still in the process of healing from that and we got hit big time these past few weeks with triggers and the stress of unprocessed pain. We can’t seem to get away from the triggers (i.e. certain individuals that will remain nameless).  It has been a particularly difficult time for all of us, but since the pain has been brought forth front and center, it shows what we still need to address.  So many unanswered questions, so much confusion, so much hurt.

This all came ahead four nights ago. We had made it 22 nights, then I had a meltdown and my son had an anxiety attack at the same time.  That was Sunday night.  Tuesday morning my daughter had one of the worst meltdowns she has had in a very long time.  Later that day my husband admitted that he was overloaded.  He wants out of the tents as well.

Unfortunately, our house still is not livable quite yet. Today is Wednesday and the good news is that the metal roofing is going up on Friday and hopefully will be completed by Monday.  We don’t have the money for doors or windows yet, but we have talked about screening up everything and moving some stuff into the house so we and the pets can get out of the tents.  With the metal roofing up, we can then start putting in the wiring, then the insulation, then finally the drywall.    

We are building this house on our own with the help of friends and family and out of our own pockets. The going is slow and the frustration is high. Why are we doing all of this?  Why are we putting ourselves through all of this?

These are the questions I have found myself asking. The answer is we needed a fresh start. A chance to give ourselves a real opportunity to heal and live in a place where it is quiet, where we don’t have to worry about landlords and making rent every month, and struggling to pay bills with our limited income. It is a place where we will have a real chance to finally be able to live instead of just trying to survive each day.  With everything with the house, my family has had to really put in the effort to learn how to effectively communicate with each other.  We are learning to be a family again through the process of building our house. 

As frustrated and helpless that I have been feeling lately with everything, I have to remember that we are all together working on this project and we will see this through. There is no turning back now, no running away from problems. We have to face these problems head on, hand-in-hand, supporting each other through it all.  

Surviving means to “continue to live or exist, especially in spite of danger or hardship”. We have survived this long and I plan to continue enduring our frustrating situation until such time as it begins to improve.  My family has been through so much in a relatively short time, one thing after another after another after another.  We have survived this far and we will continue to persevere.  I am waiting for the day when I can start to live my life, to feel that I am actually thriving, and not feel so burned out all the time.

To me, as an autistic person, to feel comfortable would be a dream come true. There has only been a few times in my life where I could say I felt comfortable and there times were short lived.

Ah, to feel comfortable . . .

My kids have that wish, too. To feel comfortable in an environment that is not constantly bombarding you with sensory input. To feel comfortable in an environment where your anxiety is not always so high, draining you of energy, and keeping you so tense that you actually start to shake under the stress.  To feel comfortable means having the ability to finally being able to relax.

I am waiting for that day, the day when I can finally relax both my mind and my body in a safe place that is my own amongst my own things with my beloved husband, children, and pets.  

As I have been writing this, I was listening to an album called “The Sound of Rescue” I found it to be very calming music.  I also thought the title was appropriate for how I feel.  Rescue from this frustrating situation is coming and I will part of making that rescue happen.  In this particular case, the only people that will be rescuing us are ourselves.

Rescue yourself