Tag Archives: feelings

The Love of a Mother and the Pain of Transition

My daughter turned 18 years old last month. My son will be 16 years old at the end of this month.  It is a weird feeling for me.  Lately, I find myself wanting to cry more often. To be honest, I am crying right now.  I am also so proud of them.  My babies . . . .

“Transition” is the term used in the education system for when a student is moving out of high school and into the adult world. In Native American culture, the term “transition” refers to death.  As a parent who has been assisting both my children in the transition process for the past several years, I will say there is a sense of death, but not in the traditional sense.  Transition, as defined in the education system, is a period of great change.  There are aspects of the life that you have had that are coming to an end, but there are also other aspects that are being birthed into existence. 

My children have been blossoming into two amazing young adults. It is a painful and wondrous journey from a parent’s perspective, but also from the perspective of the developing child. The world can be a terrifying place, especially if you live in a world that is not designed for you. 

To be given the privilege of caring for a young life, to support that life, to encourage and protect that life’s growth and development is something I will cherish for eternity. This privilege is also an incredibly difficult one to bear. 

The process of transition into adulthood isn’t just a journey that a developing child goes through. The parents also have to go through a transition as well.  My job description as a mother has shifted over the years as my children have been maturing.  These last two years in high school have seen a major shift in my job description as a mother.

I have had to make myself step away from my babies. My job as their mother has been to give both of them roots, to assure them that they were protected and cared for, and to teach them how to fly on their own. It has come to the point where I need to let them spread their wings.  It is a terrifying endeavor for a mother, particularly for a mother who has raised her children on her own for the last six years. 

I am scared . . .

My children have multiple disabilities. Autism is only one. Mental illness affects their lives at so many levels.  Then there is the trauma and grief of having a father who ran from them. 

My baby girl is graduating high school in June.  She is already a registered voter.  She doesn’t have her driver’s license, but she plans on eventually getting one. She has been researching universities and scholarship information for some time now.  She has dreams of working in the field of environmental science.  I remember when she first looked straight into my eyes.  She was just born and my doctor had placed her on top on my chest while the umbilical cord was cut.  She was so beautiful, blue eyes and a full head of hair.  She didn’t cry until she was given a bath. She would just stare right into you with those intense blue eyes.  She did it to the pediatrician at the hospital as well.  He commented that he had never seen a more intense baby.

My son, my beautiful son, is determined to eventually earn a PhD in Astrophysics. I almost lost him due to pregnancy complications. I was 21 weeks along when everything went to hell.  My body fought so hard and gave everything it had to keep the pregnancy going.  I was almost paralyzed.  He eventually was born healthy at 37 weeks.  I had bones break during his delivery. He came out screaming. He was alive and breathing. That was all that mattered.  My son was alive!  

When I think of transition, I envision the process of Mitosis. At first there is a single cell, the parent cell.  There comes a point in the life cycle of that cell where the chromosomes are replicated, the information and tools needed to live independently is prepared to be passed on to the next generation. Those replicated chromosomes then align in the center of the cell with centrioles moving towards the poles of the cell.  This is the part where the parent cell is getting ready to separate the replicated chromosomes, all that information and tools, in preparation for transition.  Then the painful pulling apart begins.

The parent cell needs to allow the next generation to move ever so slowly away from the protection that the parent cell can provide.  In this analogy, my children and I are at different points in Anaphase.  My daughter and I are closer to Telophase than my son and I are.  At some point all three of us will reach Cytokinesis. This is where my children will fly on their own.  

Mitosis

There are times I am finding it hard to breathe when I think about what is coming. I know that they must be allowed to fly on their own.  They need to have agency of their own lives.  For the last six years it has been about survival, processing trauma and grief, and finding out that we are all stronger and have more resilience than it ever occurred to us. 

I will admit that I am scared about being alone. My children are so much a part of me that I need to redefine who I am after they move on with their lives.  Not only have I been a single mother, I have also been their primary teacher, their confidant, their protector, the one family member that they could count on.  I need to learn how to branch out.  I plan on going back to graduate school and earn a second Master’s degree.  I feel that I need to do this. I need to find a new path that will allow me to live a life that is not centered on the wellbeing of my children.  I need to allow myself to spread my wings as well, but at the same time maintaining a support structure so my children will always feel that someone has their back. 

I have had to struggle on my own for so long. I don’t want that for my children.  I don’t want them to feel alone in the world with no one to turn to.  I will be there for them for as long as I can and I will continue to teach them the tools needed to make it through their days on this confusing planet.  That is a part of my job as a parent that will never change.

I raise my glass to all you parents out there struggling through your own transition and to those who will be facing it in the future. The journey is hard, but it is well worth it.

“Change is situational. Transition, on the other hand, is psychological. It is not those events but rather the inner reorientation or self-redefinition that you have to go through in order to incorporate any of those changes into your life. Without a transition, a change is just a rearrangement of the furniture. Unless transition happens, the change won’t work.”

– William Bridges

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Toxic Shame – You might struggle with it and not even know it!

(Trigger Warning – Mention of suicide and abuse.)

“Toxic Shame”, just reading those words makes me cringe. I didn’t know until recently that there was a term for it, but I am very familiar with the effects and damage that toxic shame causes.  In my experience, toxic shame can cause generational damage as well.

What is toxic shame?

To answer that question, I first have to explain what ordinary shame is. According to Mary C. Lamia Ph.D. , “as a self-conscious emotion, shame informs us of an internal state of inadequacy, unworthiness, dishonor, regret, or disconnection. Shame is a clear signal that our positive feelings have been interrupted. Another person or a circumstance can trigger shame in us, but so can a failure to meet our own ideals or standards.”

brene brown

In the article, What is Toxic Shame? , it is the shame that has become toxic.  That level of shame is described as “internalized shame” that hangs around and alters our self-image. For some people, toxic shame can consume their personality. For others, the shame lies beneath their conscious awareness, but can easily be triggered.

The article further explains that “toxic shame differs from ordinary shame, which passes in a day or a few hours, in the following respects:

  • It can hide in our unconscious, so that we’re unaware that we have shame.
  • When we experience shame, it lasts much longer.
  • The feelings and pain associated with shame are of greater intensity.
  • An external event isn’t required to trigger it. Our own thoughts can bring on feelings of shame.
  • It leads to shame spirals that cause depression and feelings of hopelessness and despair.
  • It causes chronic “shame anxiety” – the fear of experiencing shame.
  • It’s accompanied by voices, images, or beliefs originating in childhood and is associated with a negative “shame story” about ourselves.
  • We needn’t recall the original source of the immediate shame, which usually originated in childhood or a prior trauma.
  • It creates deep feelings of inadequacy.

“If not healed, toxic shame can lead to aggression, depression, eating disorders, PTSD, and addiction. It generates low self-esteem, anxiety, irrational guilt, perfectionism, and codependency, and it limits our ability to enjoy satisfying relationships and professional success.”

 I understand all of this.  Shame and guilt have been used as weapons to manipulate me, to control me, to make me comply with another’s wishes, to make me submit.  It is an awful experience and it stays with you.  For much of my life I had no defense against this.  I was conditioned to be a co-dependent early on. I was taught that my needs came secondary and that I must never disappoint.  It was the end of the world if I disappointed, so I complied, much to my detriment.

Taking responsibility for things that aren’t yours (false responsibility) and toxic guilt are two things that often go hand in hand with toxic shame. A person ends up becoming overly agreeable which opens them up to being easily manipulated. Shame corrodes the person from the inside and can affect all areas of their life.

This is not something that just goes away. My conditioning followed me well into adulthood. Mix in my autistic brain insisting that “rules are rules”, my unwavering loyalty, my need to help others, my fear of disappointing people, my social anxiety traits, and my full-blown Generalized Anxiety Disorder as well as never being taught growing up how to advocate for myself (I learned as an adult) and I ended as someone who has, overtime, developed Complex-PTSD from being subjected to years and years of emotional neglect and abuse.

Keep in mind that shame and guilt are two different feelings.  Brene’ Brown, researcher-storyteller, explains in her TEDtalk – Listening to Shame:

Shame is a focus on self, guilt is a focus on behavior. Shame is “I am bad.” Guilt is “I did something bad.” How many of you, if you did something that was hurtful to me, would be willing to say, “I’m sorry. I made a mistake?” How many of you would be willing to say that? Guilt: I’m sorry. I made a mistake. Shame: I’m sorry. I am a mistake.

I was not the way they wanted me to be.  My masking took a huge toll on me, but, in my mind, I had to comply. It was how I avoided the shame and guilt trips.  If I just complied, then I was spared the emotional gut punching. By complying and trying to please, maybe I could feel valued and not worthless, at least for a little while.  If I objected in anyway, advocated for myself in ways that contradicted them, and/or insisted on maintaining my personal boundaries, then the shaming would begin. The shaming is still happening, but instead of complying, I get angry.

My neurology and my ability to parent have been attacked for years.  This started when I had had enough and drew a metaphorical line.  I wasn’t going to tolerate being treated like that anymore.  I should never have had to fight those closest to me in order to have my individuality and identity, but I did fight for over three decades.

How does toxic shame become generational?

Parents can unintentionally or intentionally transfer their shame to their children through verbal messages or nonverbal behavior. If they were subjected to toxic shame, then they might project that shame onto their own children and the cycle continues. This is even truer when a parent has an untreated personality disorder or untreated mental health issue. Some examples of this include: a child might be feeling unloved in reaction to a parent’s depression, absence, indifference, or irritability or feel inadequate due to a parent’s competitiveness or over-correcting behavior.

Toxic shame makes it very difficult for a person to accept themselves. A person can find that they hate themselves, that they feel absolutely worthless and have no value what so ever. If this person is also autistic who is trying to live in a world that is not designed for them then that feeling of worthless and emotional pain only grows exponentially.

Up to 50 percent of autistic adults have considered ending their own lives, a rate two to three times that seen in the general population (1).  There was a time that I wanted to die.  I wasn’t suicidal. I just wanted my physical, mental, and emotional pain to end – more on that here.

According to Luna Lindsey:

Shame sends two of these three messages: 

  • I am intrinsically unacceptable which will make me always be alone
  • I am inherently unfixable and therefore will always be a source of trouble for those who do love me.

And shame (and resulting anxiety and depression) causes so much pain, that the third ingredient is an easy leap. After suffering long enough, suddenly death seems like a relief.

Luna continues on and suggests some possible solutions:

Affirmations – “For starters, when I feel this way, I often find relief from reading the well-crafted and autism-specific affirmations by Liane Holliday Willey which are posted on the WrongPlanet forums. These work most of the time, except for when, for whatever reason, I’m feeling overly cynical and don’t believe them.”

Self-Acceptance – “Because of these differences, there are many behaviors that will always be difficult or even impossible for NTs to accept, and you have to accept that, too.”

Identify your strengths (Aspie Superpowers) – “These are examples of how ASD makes you particularly awesome. They are the other side of the coin, your X-ray vision to the kryptonite. For examples, see the two links at the beginning of the paragraph. Come up with your own list. During shame-filled times, go over them and remind yourself of your strengths.”

Consider coming out –According to Brené Brown, shame requires secrecy, silence, and judgement to survive. Without these things, it will die. Consider finding a safe space, free of judgement, either with safe family, or safe friends, or with a therapist, or online at a place like WrongPlanet. Bring your shameful moments to light. If you feel judged, then go back into your shell until you do find someplace safe.”

To close, I would like to share a poem by Tara Brach, Radical Acceptance:

May all beings

Heal and awaken

Into the love and awareness

That holds and honors

The fullness of being.

(Poem found at The Power of Mindful Empathy To Heal Toxic Shame)

 

References:

  1. Segers M. and J. Rawana Autism Res. 7, 507-521 (2014) PubMed

So, how does it feel to actually live your life as opposed to just surviving?      

Have you ever been struggling for so damn long, then find yourself in a situation where things are working out, but your anxiety has gotten you on guard waiting for the possibility of the rug of life to be pulled out from under you again?

Ya, I am there. It sucks the feeling of relief right out of you. It is really annoying. I keep telling myself that I am in a good place right now, that everything I have been working toward professionally all these years is finally starting to materialize and it is not literally killing me in the process, but my damn brain won’t settle.

There are many reasons why I no longer have my own classroom anymore. Due to my physical health, I don’t know if I ever will be able return to a regular classroom teaching position. After nearly 20 years as a teacher, I miss being in a classroom, but my current job is allowing me to stay in the education field and apply my experience and training in a different way by helping one family at a time. I am paying it forward, you might say.

I am still grieving in my personal life. I have been grieving for years. It feels like forever. It is called Complex-PTSD. Even 15 years after my initial diagnosis, the pain is still there.  I have better coping skills now, but it is still hard. These days there are more good days than bad days.

Too much trauma and loss in my life, I suppose. I have been struggling so long just to survive, and be both mom and dad as well as teacher to my children, that I guess I am not sure how to live.

After everything that has happened to me, I have really struggled to convince myself that I have worth. I remind myself constantly. I have worth. I know I have worth.

*Deep breath.*

*Start again.*

I have value. I am worth it. I will not give up!

*Punches chest.*

I am a real person with real needs and dreams. I will not be silenced!

Not again . . .

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Looking at Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, I have been at the bottom two levels for many years now.

So, how does it feel to actually live your life as opposed to just surviving?  

2632857_orig   
                 

The Invisible Torturer

Anxiety ImageAnxiety, why do you torture me so?

The shaking,

The heavy breathing of panic, 

The buzzing in my brain that exercise doesn’t subdue,

The pounding stims that have started up,

The flicking fingers that will not still,

Anxiety, just stop!!

 

What is behind all this anguish?

I want to escape, but escape from what?

My senses are heightened for why I do not know.

My feet and legs want to run, and run, and run.  

But where?   

There is no destination that will take me away this.

The torturer is inside me.

 

Anxiety, let me go!

I want to be free, but you are too strong.

Your invisible claws have enclosed around me.

No one sees my torment, for you have taught me to hide.

I must hide this agony, because no one believes me.

I am told I am being silly, that it is nothing, that there really isn’t a problem.

So, I suffer in silence and go about my day.

 

For me, Anxiety and Depression tend to go hand in hand.

I continue to fight against Anxiety and it wears me down.

Depression moves in due to my weakened state.

I am being attacked on all sides.

Yet, no one sees this battle, for the battle is inside me.

I cry, I yell, I run, I write, I make art.

I do this to fight the never ending onslaught of Anxiety.

 

I am weary in this battle.

There are days Anxiety gets the upper hand.

More days than I would like to admit, but I persevere.

Battles may be lost, but I carry on to fight another day.

Because loosing this war is not an option.

I will not allow Anxiety to be victorious.

So I take deep breaths, I center myself, and I continue on.

 

(Image is of a drawing of woman in a dress sitting down while covering her face. Artist is  Clara Lieu.) 

 

Ramblings of an Autistic Single Mom

NOTE: The Aspie Teacher blog is the story of my family’s journey. My first blog was Geeky Science Mom’s Tumblr which I started in September 2012 and my writings gradually progressed from there. Periodically I look back over my old writings to check on the distance I have travelled in this journey that is called my life. This is one of those checks.

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I am autistic and I am also a mother of two amazing young people who are autistic as well. I am also single.  My children see their father maybe two hours every week, sometimes it is less.  He is not really involved in their lives.  For the past four years I have been working multiple jobs to make ends meet.  Somewhere in there I managed to earn my Master’s degree. I have been homeschooling/unschooling both my kids for the past three years and will continue to do so until both my kids graduate high school in another 2-3 years.  It has been a challenging balancing act.

I see articles online about single parenting with autistic children. It strikes me odd how bleak the authors describe their lives. One author claims that single parents of autistic children “can’t have it all”, that they “will never be compensated financially or professionally for the thousands of hours I’ve spent over the last decade taking my son to treatments”. Other authors complain about having to give up their career, complain they can’t go on trips, complain that it was the Autism that caused the divorce, and complain about the “grueling therapy sessions” (if they are grueling for you, how do you think your child feels?)

Parenting is hard no matter what the neurology of the child is. The reality is if you are a single parent, something has to give.  You can’t expect to have everything and the reason why you “can’t have it all” has nothing to do with your child’s neurology. It really does take a village to raise a child, so when part of that village is missing, it gets that much harder.

I willingly chose to put my career on hold when I became a parent. I was fortunate enough to be able to be a stay-at-home mom for five years. At the time, my husband had a good paying full-time job with benefits.  Being a single income family lead to finances being really tight, and we lived in a small duplex, but it was worth it.  The only time I was a home owner was when both my ex and I were working so we could afford a mortgage. As a single parent, I am a renter once again. This time, my rental is even smaller than the one we lived in back when my children were babies. Housing costs are higher and there is a housing shortage where we live.

My children have weekly counseling visits and my daughter has weekly occupational therapy (OT) sessions (something she personally asked for). We live in a rural area. Services are in another county all together. We are on the road a lot and I am fortunate enough to have the type of employment that allows me to take my children to their appointments.  I have never put my children through “grueling therapy sessions” and I never will.  Applied Behavior Analysis (AB A) sessions, which is considered the go-to treatment for Autism, are anywhere from 25 to 40 hours per week for 12 months a year for at least 2 years with sessions typically provided in 2-3 hours blocks.  I spent three hours observing an ABA session in June 2015 as a requirement for my Master’s degree program. It was horrible – Initial Reaction to ABA Observation.

My divorce finalized on June 23, 2014, but we had separated in October 2012. We tried to get back together after being apart for three years. Our attempt lasted a year and a half. My ex just doesn’t want the responsibility of a family.  It has almost been five years since we first separated and I have not tried dating. I have had to let myself grieve.  Looking through my old writings, I see many blogs that focused on sadness and grief.  I have had to allow myself to process those emotions. I have also had to be present for my children.  They have been grieving, too.  There was no room for romance in that.  I have to allow my heart to heal before I can allow anyone else in.  I am still healing.  Everyone grieves differently and the time it takes to adequately heal is different for everyone. When you have been in an abusive situation, it can take even longer to heal and you need to give yourself that time or you could very well fall into a similar situation.

Some of my previous writings describing my journey through grief:

Grief 2

[Image description: Sea green colored background with black lettering. “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do it lean to swim.” – Vicky Harrison]

Then there is my issue of living in a duality of perception. I wrote that blog in June 2016 and it helped me realize some things about myself.  When I found myself unexpectedly a single parent, I didn’t know how I was going to manage.  My family isn’t in the area.  I was in graduate school at the time and I was working part time.  How the hell was I going to support two kids with special needs on my own!!!???!!! This thought was screaming in my head.  I was so filled with fear and shock I had no time to be angry, at least not yet.  My anger came later.  The grief cycle is an interesting, complicated thing. As I tell my kids, a very wibbly wobbly, timey wimey sort of thing.

I never thought I would get to the point where I would even consider letting my ex back in my life, but I did and I learned a lot from that experience. I learned about letting go, something I had been really struggling with for years.  As a content teacher, I didn’t think I could teach outside of Science (my area), but I found out I could.  I didn’t know I could teach myself how to do basic home and car repair along with all the other family/parenting/home stuff I had been doing for years, but I found out I could. I didn’t know I could parent on my own, but I found out I could.

I learned I was autistic five and a half years ago. Both my children had been diagnosed by that time. I have learned so much since then.  My life has been turned upside down and inside out, but I kept moving forward knowing that another sunrise would signal another chance for me to try again.  I kept learning and adapting.

It wasn’t the Autism that caused my divorce. In fact, divorce rates are similar for parents with and without autistic children, so don’t believe the myth that divorce rate in families with autism is 80%. It is definitely not (80 Percent Autism Divorce Rate Debunked in First-Of-Its Kind Scientific Study).

Looking back to where I was when I first became a single parent, I couldn’t really think of the future. I was in full on survival mode back then.  Looking where I am now, all I can say is “wow”.  I have come so far from that place where I found myself crushed, lost, and desperate just trying to make it day by day.

My journey is not complete, not in a long shot, but I find myself no longer in that place of desperation. I have found a future where I am valued and wanted.  I have found a future where I have developed skills I didn’t even know I had.  I have found a future where my children are seeing a future for themselves as well. I have found that my mind has a sense of ease now.  I still have a lot of stress in my life, but nothing like it once was.  I feel a sense of peace inside me now.  Do I still cry when I am alone?  Yes, my grief will take time to process. Where there was once soul crushing pain, there is now a sense of understanding and a level of acceptance of the reality of the situation. As I stated before, I had to adapt. I had to find peace on my own, and I did.

“I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.”

― Douglas Adams, The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul

 

**Image is not mine. Source is linked with image.

“Telling Your Story with a Purpose”

It has been awhile since I wrote. I am a single mom working three jobs and home schooling my two children at the same time.  I have just been a wee bit busy lately.  Now that the end of school rush is over and summer break is upon us, I am down to working one job and teaching only one home school summer course. This leaves me with enough time and energy to devote to writing again.   

I started writing a blog on Tumblr back in September 2012. I was just beginning to find my “voice” back then and was encouraged by a fellow teacher and parent to start writing in a more public venue. It took a lot of encouragement by my friend, but eventually Geeky Science Mom’s Tumblr was born.  I didn’t really have a focus of the blog in the beginning. 

At that time a Tumblr blogger still needed to know the codes in order to properly format their blogs. I was learning and experimenting and reaching out to people in cyberspace to see how I could help. My Tumblr may have started as a cat, fandom, art, science, parent, and autism information page, but my blogs eventually became longer and longer.  My writing became more focused as well.

I was diagnosed in December 2011 at the age of 36 after both my children were diagnosed. Here we are five and a half years later. During that time I have completed a Master’s degree that started out with a focus in Science Education and ended with a focus in Autism Education.  We moved across the state to start a new life where my children could have access to better opportunities.  My marriage fell apart shortly after.  My ex-husband came back three years later, but it didn’t work out due to his abusive nature.  

For more information about my experience with emotional abuse and how to deal with it:

Invisible Scars – A Tale of Emotional Abuse  (June 9, 2014)

Dealing With Emotional Abuse in Families (May 5, 2016)

So many things have happened in my life in what feels like such a short time. I just turned 42 a couple of weeks ago. I never ever thought that I would be a single mom with two teenagers, homeschooling, and working three jobs just to make ends meet.  I have been a teacher for 19 years. We are on Medicaid, because I am not eligible for medical insurance through my employers due to my part-time standing. We are on food assistance.  My daughter is on SSDI (Social Security Disability Insurance).  We live in a rural community.  The three of us live in a very small two bedroom apartment.  Part of the living room is partitioned off so my son can have a bedroom.  Everything we own is old.  We can’t even afford the luxury of television services, but we have a Wii player that was a Christmas gift that we play Netflix through.

The Aspie Teacher blog was created to tell the story of my family’s journey, but I tell the story through my perspective.  When I tell my story I am coming from a lot of different angles that I have personally experienced.  I don’t just share my story to complain.  Yes, I have experienced a lot of heartache in my life, but the purpose of my blog is not to just complain about the hardships I have experienced. 

I have a personal philosophy. To me, helping one person at a time is worth all the effort I put into my work.  If I can help make one person not feel alone, help one person make their life better, then it is all worth it. I believe in the idea of paying it forward.  I help one person, then that person will go help another, and so on and so forth.

I had a friend help me find my “voice” after a life time of feeling ignored, dismissed, and squashed into a box that I didn’t fit in. I have spent a life time of having to deal with things on my own, crisis after crisis and feeling abandoned and not understood when I reached out for help.

“What I remember most about emotional abuse is that it’s like being put in a box. How you end up in there is the biggest trick – I never managed to work that one out. Maybe you think it’s a treasure box at first: you’re in there because you’re special.

Soon the box starts to shrink. Every time you touch the edges there is an “argument”. So you try to make yourself fit. You curl up, become smaller, quieter, remove the excessive, offensive parts of your personality – you begin to notice lots of these. You eliminate people and interests, change your behaviour. But still the box gets smaller.

You think it’s your fault. The terrible, unforgivable too-muchness of you is to blame. You don’t realise that the box is shrinking, or who is making it smaller. You don’t yet understand that you will never, ever be tiny enough to fit, or silent enough to avoid a row.”

It’s time to make emotional abuse a crime – Lauren Laverne  (via trashysnacks)(via gularasi)

I don’t want others to have to go through what I did. I want to help them find their “voice”.  I want them to feel safe to tell their story if they want to.  I want others to feel that they are being heard and understood, but this requires that the writing have a purpose so you can grab the audience that the writing is intended for.

How does one tell their story with a purpose?

Recently I went to a training that was entitled “Telling Your Story with a Purpose”. A lot of good advice was provided and what was shared reminded how I struggled over the years with disclosing about my disability, my PTSD, and how much should I disclose about my family and personal experiences.  It took me eleven years to finally be able to share all the parts of my medical trauma publicly in one place, which you can find here –The Volcano is Awake.

When I finally was able to publicly share my medical trauma that led to my diagnosis of PTSD, it was such a release. It was finally out there.  Once it was out there I was able to make some very important decisions about my life.  Establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries were absolutely necessary if I was going to be able to make any further progress in my recovery.  The story that first started The Aspie Teacher blog was to jump-start a necessary step in my recovery, but also to let others know about autistic burnout and about trauma bonds. The purpose of my story was not only about helping me. It was to help others as well.   

Telling your story doesn’t have to be in the form of a blog. It could be in poetry, or song, or dance, or in a painting or drawing.  The list goes on.  In June of 2016, my son was finishing up a unit on poetry.  The final assignment was to write two poems in the form of his choice.  He worked very hard on metaphor usage.  His poems told stories and you can find those stories here – An Awakening.

It takes a lot of time and a lot of courage to come out and tell your story. It is not an easy thing to do and it is not for everyone.  Finding your “voice” is also a challenge, but social media platforms are making it easier for people to find a way to express their “voice” and reach out to others who will hear them and connect with the story. 

I follow the three C’s – You have to make a Choice to take a Chance or nothing will ever Change. I made a choice to take a chance with telling my story and things changed for me.  I began to feel more empowered and more sure of myself and my abilities.  Finding my “voice” changed my world for the better. 

Here is a video that I thought fit with the message of this blog – One Small Voice | ASL | Educational Songs | Kids Videos | YouTube for Kids | Jack Hartmann

Here are the lyrics to “One Small Voice”

With just one small voice
Singing out a song
With just one small voice
Singing sweet and strong
One by one they’ll grow
And together sing along
And then soon all the world
Will be singing

With just one small voice
Singing out a song
With just one small voice
Singing sweet and strong
One by one they’ll grow
And together sing along
And then soon all the world
Will be singing

The following lists were put together by the Seattle Children’s Hospital – Center for Children With Special Needs and the Washington State Department of Health

Things to Think About When Telling Your Story in Public

  1. You have some distance and perspective on your experience vs. being in the midst of it or still actively working through it.
  2. The story has benefit for others. It’s not about your personal agenda, frustration, or current issue.
  3. You feel ready to share it. Trust your instincts. Share parts of the experience that you are ready for now – you don’t need to tell it all.
  4. You are relatively comfortable talking about your experience. It’s not at your expense – you don’t feel overly vulnerable, exposed or shamed.

Guidelines for Self-Disclosure When Presenting

  1. Stay with the focus of your message – less is usually more.
  2. Protect the privacy of others.

**Remember – When it is put online, it is online forever. Privacy of others must be protected.

Closing Doors . . .

What do you think of when you hear the word “commitment”? What about the phrase ‘being committed to something or someone”?  What comes to mind then? I have found that the images are different depending on the individual.  Please realize that deeply caring about someone is not the same as being committed to them.  I was reminded of this when a certain person in my life decided to tell me he was committed to me; it was just a different kind of commitment according to him. Then later on he proceeded to tell me that he deeply cares about me and wants to be in a relationship, but he is not committed to me.  Confused yet?

I have been dealing with this same person for nearly 20 years. This is the type of confusion that he continuously created when ever commitment came into question.  At first he says the right words and acts like he really means what he says, but after he gets what he wants, his effort is finished and the sabotaging begins.  This is what someone who has commitment phobia does.  They want a relationship, but they also want space and freedom.  They can be loving, attentive, and very charming, but at the same time passive aggressive and emotionally neglectful.  Their sabotaging begins subtly, but then gets worse and worse over time.  They are not proud of their behavior and actually feel guilty, but it doesn’t stop them.  They are governed by fear, lots of fear. 

A phobia is an extreme or irrational fear of or aversion to something. Commitment phobia is a very difficult thing to deal with, especially when you are the one on the receiving end of the behavior.  In my case, for 15 years this person tried to hide their phobia and denied their depression and problematic personality features.  The problem with this is that it all will eventually bite you in the ass in a very big way.

Our family was torn apart by the action of this person. It has been four and a half years since the big bite happened and he subsequently left us.  He came back after three years after a psychological evaluation and had started counseling.  He stopped his counseling shortly after returning home and for the past year and a half we have been slowing rebuilding our family unit, but unresolved issues arose.

I haven’t really written in the past month, because certain revelations have been happening and I needed time to process it all. Slowly I have been trying to chip away at all the layers in an attempt to deal with these unresolved issues.  Talking ensued, lots of talking. What was finally revealed lead me to one conclusion – he has commitment phobia. 

How does one even develop something like that? To answer that question, you would have to divulge into why any phobia developments and the reasons really depend on the person.  In this particular case, I can honestly say that this person had a lot of baggage prior to meeting me.  Our various problems that we faced as a married couple just added to the mix of things he really didn’t want to deal with.

This whole idea of commitment phobia is something that I am having trouble wrapping my head around. I am a very committed person, always have been.  I am also a very loyal person, almost to a fault, which has led to me being taken advantage of.  I don’t know if these aspects of me are derived from being autistic or if they are simply aspects of who I am regardless of anything else.

In The Discovery of “Aspie” Criteria by Attwood and Gray, under “A qualitative advantage in social interaction, as manifested by a majority of the following”, number one states “peer relationships characterized by absolute loyalty and impeccable dependability”. Yup, that is me.

I am a loyal, dependable, and committed person. I am known as someone who doesn’t give up and am always looking for solutions and new paths to follow when I encounter a road block of some sort.  I am also someone who establishes strong bonds with people and have been known to be overly trusting way too many times.  Keep in mind that not every autistic person is overly trusting, but I am one of them that is.  I am also naïve even after being on this planet for 41 years.  Perhaps this is due to me being developmentally delayed, but I can’t say for certain.

Rules are rules to me and that includes rules in a relationship. You don’t cheat, you don’t play mind games, you are honest and open, and you are there for each other. This allows for trust to build.  Trust must be earned.  It took me so long to learn that.  I give way to many chances when it comes to people.  I don’t know why I do this, but after being hurt so many times I finally took it upon myself to learn about the importance of personal boundaries.

I was never taught about boundaries growing up. I also was never taught how to say “no”.  I was taught to comply.  Perhaps that plays into why I give too many chances, but I can’t say for sure.

I have been told in the past that I am too kind, that my heart is too big, and that I must have a lot of patience. I have been told that these aspects of me allows people to take advantage of me, to take advantage of my heart, which only leads to the heartache that I have experienced many times.

I married a guy who is basically a douche, but tried to hide that fact, because he really did and still does love me. The thing is, apparently love is not enough to keep someone from being unfaithful, being neglectful, and emotionally abusive. This is why all these years I have been so confused and so hurt.  Why would you tell someone you love them over and over again, tell them you want to marry them, make future plans with them, have children with them, spend nearly 20 years with them, and then systematically destroy it all?  It boggles my mind.

For four and a half years I have been hanging on unable to move beyond the shattered remains of my life I once had. For a moment I thought I was getting it back.  Everything felt so right.  We were a family again, but it was short lived.  The man I bonded to can’t commit.  All those hurtful things he did happened because he couldn’t commit and the lie he had been living finally caught up with him.  Instead of being honest with me, he used emotionally abuvise tactics to destroy our marriage so he didn’t have to be the one who initiated the divorce proceedings.  Something I had to do. 

Here we are again. He didn’t want to look like the bad guy, so he has been sabotaging repair efforts and I don’t know how much of his behavior he is even aware of.  Ingrained behavior is difficult for a person who is demonstrating the behavior to actually see that they are doing it. Denial is something he is very good at.

About three weeks ago I felt something emotionally close in my heart. At that time I learned that my ex-husband wants the benefits of the family he loves, but not the responsibility and commitment that comes with it. As these revelations were coming out, my ex-husband also started talking about not wanting to look like the bad guy by ending our relationship a second time.  Go ahead, if you haven’t already, start shaking your head at me and make disapproving expressions.  I know, I know. Déjà vu all over again except without the infidelity and abandonment parts. 

I have taken these last few weeks to process this feeling of something closing in my heart and trying to figure out what this sensation was about.  I have come to the conclusion that it was a door closing, so to speak.  This feeling was something new to me and I have had difficulties determining what it meant. 

For four and a half years I have been unable to move on. Too much hurt, too much anger, and too many unanswered questions.  I think that feeling of a door closing in my heart means I am ready to take those first steps onto a new path.  It still hurts, but the pain is different this time.  I have found that I have too much self-respect to continue on this roller coaster of a life that my ex-husband lives in. My children and I have had to lower our expectations to such a low point so we can be pleasantly surprised when he does a nice thing or he does what he said he was going to do.  It is ridiculous that we have to do this, but we have to take care of ourselves.  There was just too much disappointment and hurt that was happening.

My ex-husband was given a second chance to make things right. Instead of working with me to find middle ground and nurture our relationship and our family, he has chosen to dig himself in and not budge.  Working towards middle ground means commitment and that is something he is just unable to do.

I don’t regret giving my ex-husband a second chance. I had to find out.  I had to take the chance.  I needed questions answered and I needed to know if we could really be a family again.  I got my answers. The result was not what I expected or wanted, but I got what I needed.  I got what I needed in order to finally move on with my life.  As the Rolling Stones song goes:

You can’t always get what you want

But if you try sometimes well you might find

You get what you need

The Rolling Stones – You Can’t Always Get What You Want – Lyrics

In closing, I raise a glass of your preferred beverage to what the future may bring. May it be a bright future indeed.   Blessed Be.