Tag Archives: marriage

Abuse and Its Many Forms

(Content Warning:  Discussion about the different forms of abuse and a personal story.)

Abuse can come in many forms. Some forms are so imbedded into society that they are often overlooked, ignored, and/or dismissed. So, what constitutes being abused?  According to the Lanark County, Ont. Coalition against Family Violence, a single act may not constitute abuse, but if someone is doing something to harm or control you then you are being abused. You have the right to be treated with respect and to feel safe in your home.  Abuse is a violation of an individual’s human and civil rights and in the worst cases can result in death.

The East Riding Safeguarding Adults Board has compiled a list of ten types of abuse:

  • Discriminatory
    • race
    • gender
    • gender identity
    • age
    • disability
    • sexual orientation
    • religion
  • Psychological
    • emotional abuse
    • threats of harm or abandonment
    • deprivation of contact
    • humiliation
    • blaming
    • controlling
    • intimidation
    • coercion
    • harassment
    • verbal abuse
    • cyber bullying
    • isolation
    • unreasonable and unjustified withdrawal of services or supportive networks
  • Financial or material
    • theft
    • fraud
    • internet scamming
    • coercion in relation to an adult’s financial affairs or arrangements, including in connection with wills, property, inheritance or financial transactions
    • the misuse or misappropriation of property, possessions or benefits
  • Organizational
    • neglect
    • poor care practice within an institution or specific care setting such as a hospital or care home
    • poor practice in relation to care provided in one’s own home
  • Neglect and acts of omission
    • ignoring medical, emotional or physical care needs
    • failure to provide access to appropriate health, care and support or educational services,
    • the withholding of the necessities of life, such as medication, adequate nutrition and heating
  • Physical
    • assault
    • hitting
    • slapping
    • pushing
    • misuse of medication
    • restraint or inappropriate physical sanctions
  • Sexual
    • rape
    • indecent exposure
    • sexual harassment
    • inappropriate looking or touching
    • sexual teasing or innuendo
    • sexual photography
    • subjection to pornography or witnessing sexual acts
    • indecent exposure and sexual assault or sexual acts to which the adult has not consented or was pressured into
  • Domestic
    • psychological abuse
    • physical abuse
    • sexual abuse
    • financial abuse
    • emotional abuse
    • so called ‘honour’ based violence
  • Modern slavery
    • slavery
    • human trafficking
    • forced labour and domestic servitude

Traffickers and slave masters use whatever means they have at their disposal to coerce, deceive and force individuals into a life of abuse, servitude and inhumane treatment.

  • Self-neglect
    • a wide range of behaviour neglecting to care one one’s personal hygiene, health or surroundings and includes behaviour such as hoarding

NO ONE DESERVES TO BE TREATED LIKE THIS!!! NO ONE DESERVES TO BE ABUSED!!!

GrieveThis is a very difficult topic to be writing about. I grew up in an emotionally and verbally  abusive home. I was in an abusive marriage for 15 years.  I married want I knew.  That was my “normal”.  Everyone who has survived an abusive situation has a story as to why they stayed.  Everyone does.  I am no different.

Growing up, I didn’t feel safe and I felt there was something wrong, but I didn’t know what it was. I didn’t know the language.  All I knew was that I felt safer staying in my room by myself and listening to my music.  It wasn’t until I become a teacher and took classes on abuse that I started to learn the language.  Even then it took my years to finally break free of the situation I had found myself in.  I was taught to just deal with the verbal abuse.  I was taught that the worse thing I could do was disappoint my family.  I had to comply with whatever I was told.  I was conditioned to be a codependent and it was my job to keep everyone else happy.  I learned at a young age that my needs didn’t matter, that my voice didn’t matter.  This continued way into adulthood and into my marriage.

A part of me wants to write about all the different things that were done to me in the name of love, or at least, that was what I was told. It was for my protection, it was because a person cared, it was because I needed to be a better daughter or a better sister or a better wife or a better mother.  That I couldn’t be trusted in making decisions for my children or that I was broken or that I was just a bad person.  The list goes on.

My ex-husband has admitted that he was trying to contain me, to keep me in a box. Letting me spread my wings was frightening to him.  In his mind, by keeping me in a box, he was protecting me.  I know my mother thinks in those same terms.  In her mind, I  needed to be protected.  In order to do that, in her mind, I needed to be controlled and contained.  I was not allowed to be me.  I feel like a shadow around my parents. Something that just stands in the corner until requested.  I feel the most disabled when I am with them.

Remember, you have the right to be treated with respect and to feel safe in your home.

I have a parent who attacks my neurology. This parent is very ableist and doesn’t even know or wants to know what ableism is. This parent is about control and will manipulate (covertly and overtly) to get it. This parent has problems, but is in full denial.  My ex-husband has untreated mental health problems and a destructive personality disorder. He did get a full psychological evaluation, but refuses to get professional help. My ex-husband and this parent are both passive aggressive, manipulative, and emotionally abusive. My other parent is verbally abusive.  This parent’s anger management problem is right out there in the open.  My ex-husband also has anger management problems, but his is silent and terrifying.  As I said before, I married what I knew.  This was the world that I grew up in and remained in it as an adult.

Four and a half years ago I had had enough. My marriage had already ended.  I had learned that I was stronger and more resilient than I even realized.  I drew a line with my parents, a healthy boundary. I would no longer tolerate the ongoing abuse. I cut off contact to my parents.  Not completely, though, we still email every so often, but I don’t feel safe with them.  I have tried multiple times to reason with them, but was told they are not going to change.  I had to think about myself and my children.  It all really hit me when my children began asking each of their counselors why their grandparents treated me the way they did.  I had to make a change for my own welfare and for my children’s future.

AbusersSomewhere in the back of my mind I knew growing up there was a problem with my family. The cycle of abuse goes back several generations on both sides. I had promised myself that the abuse stopped with me. I was not going to allow the cycle of abuse to continue with my children.  Unfortunately, their father had other ideas. He emotionally abused and neglected them.  The good news is that his cycle of abuse was caught earlier.  My children have been in counseling since they were little learning to cope with the cards life has dealt them.  They are stronger and more resilient for that earlier intervention.  I am still determined to make sure the cycle of abuse in my family stops with me.  I will not allow the abuse to continue.

What can you do?

  • Educate yourself.
  • Believe when someone tells you something is wrong. I tried to reach out for help many times, but no one would believe me.
  • Listen with compassion.
  • Don’t be judgmental.
  • Encouragement is key.

Here is some helpful information about stopping abuse:

Here are some additional blogs that I wrote about trauma and abuse:

 

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Trauma Does Not Define You

In Greek, trauma means “wound”. Originally trauma referred to physical wounds, but nowadays trauma also refers to emotional wounds. The psychological reaction to emotional trauma also has a name.  It is more often referred to as post-traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD.  I am very familiar with PTSD.  I was diagnosed with it about 14 years ago. This original diagnosis arose from a horrible medical trauma that I endured and also from the behavior of those closest to me at the time.  Since then, my diagnosis has changed to Complex-PTSD due to what I have come to realize were years of emotional and mental abuse at the hands of my ex-husband and what I endured as a child growing up.  I married what I knew. 

Growing up in a household where verbal and emotional abuses were tolerated really confused my autistic brain. I was told I was loved, and I believed it, but the behavior was not what you do to people you love. As a teacher, I learned the phrase, “at least he is not hitting me”, is a red flag that something is very wrong.  I heard that phrase over and over again growing up.  I was taught to comply, to make excuses.  I was conditioned to be a codependent.  Talking about any of this outside and inside the family was and still is discouraged.  I knew something was off with my family, but I didn’t know what it was.  It just felt uncomfortable.  Yet, I still married what I knew.   

Emotional abuse is insidious. It starts slow and under the radar.  You have no idea what is really happening, only that something doesn’t feel quite right.  The perpetrator may even pull back and be charming again when you call them out on something.  Everything might seem perfectly fine again, but over time that uncomfortable feeling starts up again and it gets worse and worse each time.  It is incredibly confusing.  Before you know it, you find yourself trapped telling yourself that you just have to wait for him to cycle back to being the man you married.  This is what is called the cycle of abuse.  You find yourself holding out for the good times to come back, and that is the perpetrator’s biggest weapon, playing on your hope. You find yourself holding on for something that will never come, real peace and real love.   

As a child, I would wait out the aggressive verbal outbursts and the passive aggressive manipulation until we could feel like a family again.  While growing up, I had no idea I was in this perpetual state of fight or flight. I was always on edge and preferred to be in my bedroom.  Now I understand why I did isolated myself, but back then, that was my “normal” and it was exhausting and frightening.  As a spouse, I did the same thing. I waited out the passive aggressive emotional abuse until the good times returned.  I married what I knew.

According to SAMHSA, adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) are stressful or traumatic events, including abuse and neglect. These experiences may also include household dysfunction such as witnessing domestic violence or growing up with family members who have substance use disorders. Having your ACEs score is like having your cholesterol score.  The score is a guideline to help you learn your risk factors for particular things. 

How childhood trauma affects health across a lifetime | Nadine Burke Harris (TEDtalk – video)

Childhood trauma isn’t something you just get over as you grow up. Pediatrician Nadine Burke Harris explains that the repeated stress of abuse, neglect and parents struggling with mental health or substance abuse issues has real, tangible effects on the development of the brain. This unfolds across a lifetime, to the point where those who’ve experienced high levels of trauma are at triple the risk for heart disease and lung cancer. An impassioned plea for pediatric medicine to confront the prevention and treatment of trauma, head-on.ACEs Impact

The Impact

ACEs scores are strongly related to the development and prevalence of a wide range of health problems throughout a person’s lifespan, including those associated with substance abuse.

ACEs include:

  • Physical abuse
  • Sexual abuse
  • Emotional abuse
  • Physical neglect
  • Emotional neglect
  • Intimate partner violence
  • Mother treated violently
  • Substance misuse within household
  • Household mental illness
  • Parental separation or divorce
  • Incarcerated household member

The ACEs study used the top ten reported adverse childhood experiences when designing the questionnaire, which consists of ten questions and involves your life prior to 18 years old.  Five questions are personal — physical abuse, verbal abuse, sexual abuse, physical neglect, and emotional neglect. Five questions are related to other family members: a parent who’s an alcoholic, a mother who’s a victim of domestic violence, a family member in jail, a family member diagnosed with a mental illness, and the disappearance of a parent through divorce, death or abandonment. Each type of trauma counts as one.

I went through the questionnaire  and had a score of 3/10. I had both my children take the questionnaire as well.  Their scores varied.  My daughter had a score of 8/10.  My son first had a score of 4/10, but then he adjusted some of the questions to reflect one parent, his father, and he ended up with a score of 6/10.  I knew their scored would be higher than mine.  They have dealt with a divorce and a father who emotionally neglected them and emotionally abused their mother.  Even with that, learning their scores punched me in the gut. 

I reminded them that their trauma does not define them. Trauma can affect yourself-definition either consciously or unconsciously. Trauma hurts, and as hard as it is to grieve, trauma is not who you are. Your ACEs score is not what is wrong with you; rather it reflects what has happened to you. Just as trauma does not define you, your ACEs score does not define you.  What makes the difference is getting help and developing resilience. 

Prevent ACEs

We Can Prevent ACEs – Video by Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC)

Childhood experiences, both positive and negative, have a tremendous impact on future violence victimization and perpetration, and lifelong health and opportunity. As such, adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) are an important public health issue. Learn how everyone can help prevent ACEs by using strategies to create safe, stable, nurturing relationships and environments for all children.

Part of healing from trauma is stating what happened. It is important to share your story in whatever way you are able to, but being able to takes time.

A few days ago in the car, one of my children stated, “Dad committed acts of domestic violence.”

This was the first time either one of them has used the term “domestic violence” in connection with their father. My marriage ended six years ago.

Finally being able to share this information out loud with me meant one step farther away from the trauma and one step closer to healing.

Where do we go from here?

  • There is no time limit on grief.
  • Everyone grieves differently.
  • Don’t let trauma consume you. Don’t live there.
  • No wallowing!
  • Get help!
  • Strive to heal.
  • Obtain and utilize healthy coping skills.
  • Do what makes you feel good in a healthy way.
  • Reduce risk factors.
  • Increase protective factors
  • Get involved in community.
  • Talk to someone.
  • Educate yourself.
  • Find what makes you feel your true self.
  • Most of all – Be gentle to yourself!!!

 

Ramblings of an Autistic Single Mom

NOTE: The Aspie Teacher blog is the story of my family’s journey. My first blog was Geeky Science Mom’s Tumblr which I started in September 2012 and my writings gradually progressed from there. Periodically I look back over my old writings to check on the distance I have travelled in this journey that is called my life. This is one of those checks.

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I am autistic and I am also a mother of two amazing young people who are autistic as well. I am also single.  My children see their father maybe two hours every week, sometimes it is less.  He is not really involved in their lives.  For the past four years I have been working multiple jobs to make ends meet.  Somewhere in there I managed to earn my Master’s degree. I have been homeschooling/unschooling both my kids for the past three years and will continue to do so until both my kids graduate high school in another 2-3 years.  It has been a challenging balancing act.

I see articles online about single parenting with autistic children. It strikes me odd how bleak the authors describe their lives. One author claims that single parents of autistic children “can’t have it all”, that they “will never be compensated financially or professionally for the thousands of hours I’ve spent over the last decade taking my son to treatments”. Other authors complain about having to give up their career, complain they can’t go on trips, complain that it was the Autism that caused the divorce, and complain about the “grueling therapy sessions” (if they are grueling for you, how do you think your child feels?)

Parenting is hard no matter what the neurology of the child is. The reality is if you are a single parent, something has to give.  You can’t expect to have everything and the reason why you “can’t have it all” has nothing to do with your child’s neurology. It really does take a village to raise a child, so when part of that village is missing, it gets that much harder.

I willingly chose to put my career on hold when I became a parent. I was fortunate enough to be able to be a stay-at-home mom for five years. At the time, my husband had a good paying full-time job with benefits.  Being a single income family lead to finances being really tight, and we lived in a small duplex, but it was worth it.  The only time I was a home owner was when both my ex and I were working so we could afford a mortgage. As a single parent, I am a renter once again. This time, my rental is even smaller than the one we lived in back when my children were babies. Housing costs are higher and there is a housing shortage where we live.

My children have weekly counseling visits and my daughter has weekly occupational therapy (OT) sessions (something she personally asked for). We live in a rural area. Services are in another county all together. We are on the road a lot and I am fortunate enough to have the type of employment that allows me to take my children to their appointments.  I have never put my children through “grueling therapy sessions” and I never will.  Applied Behavior Analysis (AB A) sessions, which is considered the go-to treatment for Autism, are anywhere from 25 to 40 hours per week for 12 months a year for at least 2 years with sessions typically provided in 2-3 hours blocks.  I spent three hours observing an ABA session in June 2015 as a requirement for my Master’s degree program. It was horrible – Initial Reaction to ABA Observation.

My divorce finalized on June 23, 2014, but we had separated in October 2012. We tried to get back together after being apart for three years. Our attempt lasted a year and a half. My ex just doesn’t want the responsibility of a family.  It has almost been five years since we first separated and I have not tried dating. I have had to let myself grieve.  Looking through my old writings, I see many blogs that focused on sadness and grief.  I have had to allow myself to process those emotions. I have also had to be present for my children.  They have been grieving, too.  There was no room for romance in that.  I have to allow my heart to heal before I can allow anyone else in.  I am still healing.  Everyone grieves differently and the time it takes to adequately heal is different for everyone. When you have been in an abusive situation, it can take even longer to heal and you need to give yourself that time or you could very well fall into a similar situation.

Some of my previous writings describing my journey through grief:

Grief 2

[Image description: Sea green colored background with black lettering. “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do it lean to swim.” – Vicky Harrison]

Then there is my issue of living in a duality of perception. I wrote that blog in June 2016 and it helped me realize some things about myself.  When I found myself unexpectedly a single parent, I didn’t know how I was going to manage.  My family isn’t in the area.  I was in graduate school at the time and I was working part time.  How the hell was I going to support two kids with special needs on my own!!!???!!! This thought was screaming in my head.  I was so filled with fear and shock I had no time to be angry, at least not yet.  My anger came later.  The grief cycle is an interesting, complicated thing. As I tell my kids, a very wibbly wobbly, timey wimey sort of thing.

I never thought I would get to the point where I would even consider letting my ex back in my life, but I did and I learned a lot from that experience. I learned about letting go, something I had been really struggling with for years.  As a content teacher, I didn’t think I could teach outside of Science (my area), but I found out I could.  I didn’t know I could teach myself how to do basic home and car repair along with all the other family/parenting/home stuff I had been doing for years, but I found out I could. I didn’t know I could parent on my own, but I found out I could.

I learned I was autistic five and a half years ago. Both my children had been diagnosed by that time. I have learned so much since then.  My life has been turned upside down and inside out, but I kept moving forward knowing that another sunrise would signal another chance for me to try again.  I kept learning and adapting.

It wasn’t the Autism that caused my divorce. In fact, divorce rates are similar for parents with and without autistic children, so don’t believe the myth that divorce rate in families with autism is 80%. It is definitely not (80 Percent Autism Divorce Rate Debunked in First-Of-Its Kind Scientific Study).

Looking back to where I was when I first became a single parent, I couldn’t really think of the future. I was in full on survival mode back then.  Looking where I am now, all I can say is “wow”.  I have come so far from that place where I found myself crushed, lost, and desperate just trying to make it day by day.

My journey is not complete, not in a long shot, but I find myself no longer in that place of desperation. I have found a future where I am valued and wanted.  I have found a future where I have developed skills I didn’t even know I had.  I have found a future where my children are seeing a future for themselves as well. I have found that my mind has a sense of ease now.  I still have a lot of stress in my life, but nothing like it once was.  I feel a sense of peace inside me now.  Do I still cry when I am alone?  Yes, my grief will take time to process. Where there was once soul crushing pain, there is now a sense of understanding and a level of acceptance of the reality of the situation. As I stated before, I had to adapt. I had to find peace on my own, and I did.

“I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.”

― Douglas Adams, The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul

 

**Image is not mine. Source is linked with image.

The Destructive Nature of Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder

**NOTE: this blog did not turn out as I thought it would. I thought it would be more about depression and grieving, but it ended up being about Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder, which is what inevitably caused my depression and grief by being the target of the person with the disorder.  My brain went analytical while writing this blog. A lot of technical jargon ended up being included, but in doing so, I feel a sense of relief now.  I actually feel calmer.  Writing is a coping strategy of mine and I never really know where it will take me or how my blogs will turn out.  

Trigger Warning: References to emotional abuse and emotional neglect.

********

Ah, depression. It punches you in the face, drains you of energy, and makes everything harder in your life.  Now, mix depression with grief and it is that much worse.  In my case, the punch in the face is my depression telling me that I wasted the last 19 years of my life. 

Haven’t I been here before? Unfortunately, I have. It was when he first left me.  He came back three years later claiming he had gotten his life together and I gave him the benefit of the doubt.  I let him back into my life and the kids did as well.  It was never real, at least not in the sense that he wanted a committed long term relationship again where we could be a family once more.  I was just a means to an end, a person to have around so he wouldn’t feel lonely. What I needed didn’t matter.  Only his self-absorbed interest did.  

I want to tell him that he is an obstructionist, never allowing anything to work, never putting in the necessary time, and always blocking any attempts to make things better. There was a time I thought I just wasn’t good enough. Then it moved into thinking that we just hadn’t found the correct course of action.  I now understand that the reality was and continues to be his abusive passive aggressive personality. Our relationship never had a chance. 

As Millon (1981, p. 258) describes:

The passive-aggressivé s strategy of negativism, of being discontent and unpredictable, of being both seductive and rejecting, and of being demanding and then dissatisfied, is an effective weapon… with people in general. Switching among the roles of the martyr, the affronted, the aggrieved, the misunderstood, the contrite, the guilt-ridden, the sickly, and the overworked, is a tactic of interpersonal behavior that gains passive-aggressives the attention, reassurance, and dependency they crave while, at the same time, allowing them to subtly vent their angers and resentments.

I wasted all those years holding on and fighting to make our relationship better while I was being blamed for all that was wrong in his life, being told that it was because of how I am that was the problem (he never could really accept my diagnosis), and being emotionally beaten down time and time again by underhanded and conniving ways.

With me it was always “no” from him. No matter what I did or what I said, it was always “no”. He would never be direct about the “no” either.  It was always done in a covert, underhanded way.  The gaslighting, the procrastination, the ambivalence, the obstructing, the stonewalling, the projection, the derailing, the manipulation, the dishonesty, and the unwillingness to resolve anything mixed in with “I love you”, “you are my best friend”, and “I want to share my life with you”.

I want to tell him that what he called love wasn’t actually love. I want to tell him that love is a promise. Love is an action. Love is something you work on and maintain all your life, but love is subjective when it comes to a person.  How one person sees/feels love may not be the same as how another may see/feel love.

I want to tell him that insisting on living in that sea of ambivalence of his is no safe haven, but it will do no good. He feels safe there, riding the fence, never having to make a decision and to never having to take responsibility for a decision made, but a non-decision is still a decision.  

Individuals with Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD) and Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder (PAPD) share a deeply rooted ambivalence about themselves and others. While people with OCPD resolve their ambivalence by compliant behavior and holding tension within, those with PAPD have virtually no resolution. As a result, they are characterized by vacillating behavior. They are indecisive; they fluctuate in their attitudes, oppositional behaviors, and emotions. They are generally erratic and unpredictable (Millon, 1981, p. 244).

The erratic and unpredictable behavior in an individual with passive-aggressive (negativistic) personality disorder is incredibly frustrating. These individuals tend to be ambivalent within their relationships and conflicted between their dependency needs and their desire for self-assertion. They present hostile defiance toward people they see as causing their problems and then attempt to mollify these same people by asking forgiveness or promising to do better in the future, or always asking for more and more time (as was in my case).

Individuals with PAPD view themselves as self-sufficient but feel vulnerable to control and interference from others (Pretzer & Beck, Clarkin & Lenzenweger, eds., 1996, p. 60). They believe that they are misunderstood and unappreciated, a view that is exacerbated by the negative responses they receive from others for their consistent defeatist stance. They expect the worst in everything, even situations that are going well, and are inclined toward anger and irritability (Beck & Freeman, 1990, p. 339) (DSM-IV, 1994, p. 734).

As the one who has been on the receiving end of this anger and irritability, it was the silent kind of anger filled with resentment and sometimes it was even the “sugarcoated hostility” variety. It was never expressed to me directly, however. You can’t have a direct conversation with a person with Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder and nothing ever gets resolved, so the tension just builds and builds until there is an explosion.  Unfortunately, the target of the passive aggressor is typically the one who explodes and it is usually due to the fact that the passive aggressor has tried and may have actually succeeded in sabotaging your wants, needs, and plans using a variety of tactics.

According to Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT,  passive-aggressive people act passive, but are covertly aggressive. “Their unconscious anger gets transferred onto you, and you become frustrated and furious. Your fury is theirs, while they may calmly ask, “Why are you getting so angry?” and blame you for the anger they’re provoking.”

I am getting clinical here. I need to take a step back.  Maybe my analytical mind is taking over as a way to cope with the emotional pain I feel.  I am dealing with the reality that I let it happen again. I let the emotional abuse happen again.  My brain is telling me that I had to try for the family’s sake.  I had to give him another chance for the sake of the  It’s almost like they do it on purpose, isn’t it, Fred?!children and I had to find out for myself. 

I found out alright. I found out that our family cohesion was the priority of my children and me, but it was not his. He has always had trouble balancing his life out, including balancing prorities.  My children and I were often left on the way side as he lived essentially two lives, his apparent family life where he kept to himself mostly and his life outside the family where he didn’t have to worry about family responsibility.  He presents out to the world as this very charming, friendly, and personable man.  He is “The Nice Guy” to everyone else, but me. 

I was the one who received all his negative characteristics. He seemed to only be nice and charming to me when he wanted something. He is very good at doing just enough to hook you, and then the push/pull behavior starts. He is a very avoidant person. He prefers to be alone, but does not like being lonely.  He wants someone around, but only on his terms.  Don’t ask for any emotional reciprocity, because you are not going to get it, but you better always be encouraging and dependable for him and not cause him any drama or turmoil.  In other words, do not disrupt his Zen or he will punish you by giving you the silent treatment, ignoring your needs, isolating you, or sending you mixed messages to keep you off balance.  

Sounds childish, doesn’t it? It sounds this way, because it is childish. Passive-aggressive people are not pleasant to deal with at all.  I am not going to go into the reasons as to why a person would develop Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder other than to say that the exact cause of passive-aggressive behavior isn’t known.  If you are interested in learning more about possible causes you can click here, here, and here.

A personality disorder is not a mental illness, so it cannot be treated with medication. Only through therapy can a person work though and learn how to cope with living with a personality disorder.  Unfortunately, if a personality disordered person doesn’t feel that there is a problem, then there is really nothing you can do.   You can’t help those who do not want to be helped, I learned that the hard way, but there are ways to help yourself when it comes to dealing with a person with Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder.  Here is a list of some of the ways that I have learned over the years:

  1. Be assertive (this might take some practice.)
  2. Don’t nag (which very hard to do when your patience is frayed).
  3. Don’t be an enabler by tolerating the behavior (that only encourages more passive-aggressive behavior).
  4. Create healthy boundaries and consequences if those boundaries are crossed.
  5. Be aware of your own reality. This is covert emotional abuse and you may not even realize it is happening.
  6. Be honest.
  7. Walk away if the situation feels like it is just spinning in circles.
  8. More often than not, you will have to remove yourself from the passive aggressor for your own self-preservation.

I wish I could remove my ex-husband from my life entirely, but we have two children together, so that is not something that I can accomplish. My children are currently both in high school. In just a couple years of each other, my children with be considered adults and the mandatory child support that he has to pay will end as well as any visitation schedule.  My hope is that I will be able to remove him from my life as much as I can when that time comes.

More blogs that I wrote on this matter:

Seeing the Truth in Patterns (Posted on December 27, 2016)

I Can’t Anymore . . . (Posted on February 20, 2017)

Closing Doors . . . (Posted on March 14, 2017)

Letting Toxic People Go

**The articles linked in this blog reference the DSM-IV.  The DSM-V came out in May of 2013. Certain diagnostic criteria changed in the DSM-V, but the information contained in the articles is still relevant. The images are not mine and are sourced.

I Hate Complex-PTSD

(Trigger Warning – Discussion about Trauma)

I hate Complex-PTSD. There is no way around it, I hate it.  I got triggered today.  All it took was for me to be sent spiraling was for me to notice that a relative of mine had changed their profile picture on Facebook.  It was a completely innocent thing for them to do.  There was nothing wrong with the picture that my relative chose, but for me, it was enough to trigger a cascading effect of interacting layers of trauma that I have accumulated over the years.

Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) is a condition that results from chronic or long-term exposure to emotional trauma over which a victim has little or no control and from which there is little or no hope of escape.”

C-PSTD can occur in such cases of:

  • domestic emotional, physical or sexual abuse
  • childhood emotional, physical or sexual abuse
  • entrapment or kidnapping.
  • slavery or enforced labor.
  • long term imprisonment and torture
  • repeated violations of personal boundaries.
  • long-term objectification.
  • exposure to gaslighting & false accusations
  • long-term exposure to inconsistent, push-pull, splitting or alternating raging & hoovering behaviors.
  • long-term taking care of mentally ill or chronically sick family members.
  • long term exposure to crisis conditions.

How did I get to this point? I grew up in an emotionally neglectful and abusive household.  I married what I knew and the covert emotional manipulation and emotional abuse only got worse.  I have also been taking care of mentally ill family members for over 16 years now.  Then there is the medical trauma I endured 15 years ago that resulted in my initial diagnosis of PTSD which eventually grew to C-PTSD when more and more layers of trauma were exposed.

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and C-PTSD are similar, but they do differ in causes and symptoms. C-PTSD results more from chronic repetitive stress from which there is little to no chance of escape. PTSD can result from single events or short term exposure to extreme stress or trauma.

***Remember, C-PTSD is a stress disorder, not a weakness or defect of character nor is it a personality disorder although it is often misdiagnosed as Borderline Personality Disorder.

From The Center for Treatment of Anxiety and Mood Disorders:

CPTSD Symptoms

People who have gone through a long-standing, extremely traumatic situation may exhibit both physical and emotional symptoms related to their ordeal.

Emotional symptoms may include:

  • Rage displayed through violence, destruction of property, or theft
  • Depression, denial, fear of abandonment, thoughts of suicide, anger issues
  • Low self-esteem, panic attacks, self-loathing
  • Perfectionism, blaming others instead of dealing with a situation, selective memory
  • Loss of faith in humanity, distrust, isolation, inability to form close personal relationships
  • Shame, guilt, focusing on wanting revenge
  • Flashbacks, memory repression, dissociation

Victims of C-PTSD may also have physical symptoms, such as:

  • Eating disorders, substance abuse, alcoholism, promiscuity
  • Chronic pain
  • Cardiovascular problems
  • Gastrointestinal problems.
  • Migraines

From Out of the Storm:

Symptoms Shared by CPTSD and PTSD

According to Cloitre et al (2016), CPTSD shares three main symptoms with PTSD which include:

  • Re-experiencing the past – in the form of nightmares and flashbacks.  While in PTSD flashbacks tend to be visual, in CPTSD they are often emotional.  That is,  a sudden, overwhelming rush of emotions such as anger, shame, humiliation, abandonment, and of being small and powerless much like a child would feel when abused.  These are referred to as Emotional Flashbacks (EFs). and can last for minutes, hours or even days (Walker, 2013) . 
  • Sense of threat – constantly on guard or hypervigilant, strong startle reaction
  • Avoidance – of thoughts, feelings, people, places, activities relating to the trauma (e.g., dissociation, derealization)

Symptoms of CPTSD Only

Cloitre et al (2014) suggest that CPTSD differs from PTSD in that it has three additional symptoms:

  • Emotion regulation – Emotional sensitivity; reduced ability to respond to situations in an emotionally appropriate and flexible manner  
  • Negative self-concept – Feeling of worthlessness and defectiveness. Walker suggests that those with CPTSD suffer from toxic shame and have a virulent Inner and Outer Critic.
  • Interpersonal problems – Difficulty feeling close to another person; feeling disconnected, distant or cut off from other people (depersonalization, social anxiety). 

Everyone is unique and the above list of symptoms is not complete and not everyone with C-PTSD will exhibit all the symptoms listed. I, for one, do not have the physical symptoms of “Eating disorders, substance abuse, alcoholism, promiscuity”. There was a time I wanted revenge, but I couldn’t stand that feeling and fought hard against it. Revenge never solves anything and can ultimately destroy the person seeking revenge. I have wanted to die, but I have never had suicidal thoughts.  I also have never been violent, destroyed property, nor committed theft. I do not have cardiovascular problems, but I do experience chest pain during anxiety and panic attacks. I have had to establish healthy boundaries and am no longer in contact with certain family members beyond an occasional email.  I also never lost my ability to form close personal relationships with others.

What makes experiencing all this worse for me is that things that trigger me are typically seen as happy moments by most people, so there is little to no understanding as to why I cut myself off from exposure to reminders and why an unexpected exposure to a photograph of my happy sister, her happy husband, and her new baby affected me so badly.  I didn’t experience anger seeing that photo.  I was terrified!  Pregnancy and children birth reminders are horrible, panic inducing triggers for me. The reason for this is my medical trauma resulted from me being pregnant and giving birth.  I am not going to go into detail, but more information can be found here and here.

I got triggered this morning by a reminder of that horrific time in my life that was my medical trauma, the lack of emotional support I experienced from my family and continue to experience, and all the loss I experienced and continue to experience.  That one trigger not only triggered me regarding my medical trauma, but every  emotional trauma after it. There is a lot.  As I stated before, I was in an emotionally abusive marriage and came from an emotionally manipulative and neglectful home life that followed me into adulthood.    

It is 11:31PM now. I am still struggling. I have been crying off and on all day, but most of my crying was this morning.  How have I coped?  I used music and running.  I let myself ride the melody and lyrics of specifically chosen songs and played them over and over again.  I let the music flow through me and let the emotion flow with it.  I had to.  No more pretending.  I am safe now.  I don’t have to hide my anguish anymore. I have to let my pain out, but I have to do it in a health way.  I have been a runner for 24 years.  Running helps me regulate my anxiety and helps me control my meltdowns.  Running is not for everyone, but it is a way for me to help ground myself when the whole world feels like it is collapsing all around me like it did today.

My theme song today was “Total Eclipse of the Heart” by Bonnie Tyler.  I felt this song fit with how I was feeling and how I wanted to express myself, because I had no words, just tears and pain.  (Lyrics) 

After my run tonight I found myself still feeling lost. The song I needed to listen to was “Send me an Angel” by Real Life.  (Lyrics)

I have been waking up lately with this song playing in my head. I wouldn’t mind at all having an angel sent to me right now with some guidance and emotional support. Days like this are so hard, but they do eventually get better.  I just have to keep moving forward.  A better day will come.  

 

 

Closing Doors . . .

What do you think of when you hear the word “commitment”? What about the phrase ‘being committed to something or someone”?  What comes to mind then? I have found that the images are different depending on the individual.  Please realize that deeply caring about someone is not the same as being committed to them.  I was reminded of this when a certain person in my life decided to tell me he was committed to me; it was just a different kind of commitment according to him. Then later on he proceeded to tell me that he deeply cares about me and wants to be in a relationship, but he is not committed to me.  Confused yet?

I have been dealing with this same person for nearly 20 years. This is the type of confusion that he continuously created when ever commitment came into question.  At first he says the right words and acts like he really means what he says, but after he gets what he wants, his effort is finished and the sabotaging begins.  This is what someone who has commitment phobia does.  They want a relationship, but they also want space and freedom.  They can be loving, attentive, and very charming, but at the same time passive aggressive and emotionally neglectful.  Their sabotaging begins subtly, but then gets worse and worse over time.  They are not proud of their behavior and actually feel guilty, but it doesn’t stop them.  They are governed by fear, lots of fear. 

A phobia is an extreme or irrational fear of or aversion to something. Commitment phobia is a very difficult thing to deal with, especially when you are the one on the receiving end of the behavior.  In my case, for 15 years this person tried to hide their phobia and denied their depression and problematic personality features.  The problem with this is that it all will eventually bite you in the ass in a very big way.

Our family was torn apart by the action of this person. It has been four and a half years since the big bite happened and he subsequently left us.  He came back after three years after a psychological evaluation and had started counseling.  He stopped his counseling shortly after returning home and for the past year and a half we have been slowing rebuilding our family unit, but unresolved issues arose.

I haven’t really written in the past month, because certain revelations have been happening and I needed time to process it all. Slowly I have been trying to chip away at all the layers in an attempt to deal with these unresolved issues.  Talking ensued, lots of talking. What was finally revealed lead me to one conclusion – he has commitment phobia. 

How does one even develop something like that? To answer that question, you would have to divulge into why any phobia developments and the reasons really depend on the person.  In this particular case, I can honestly say that this person had a lot of baggage prior to meeting me.  Our various problems that we faced as a married couple just added to the mix of things he really didn’t want to deal with.

This whole idea of commitment phobia is something that I am having trouble wrapping my head around. I am a very committed person, always have been.  I am also a very loyal person, almost to a fault, which has led to me being taken advantage of.  I don’t know if these aspects of me are derived from being autistic or if they are simply aspects of who I am regardless of anything else.

In The Discovery of “Aspie” Criteria by Attwood and Gray, under “A qualitative advantage in social interaction, as manifested by a majority of the following”, number one states “peer relationships characterized by absolute loyalty and impeccable dependability”. Yup, that is me.

I am a loyal, dependable, and committed person. I am known as someone who doesn’t give up and am always looking for solutions and new paths to follow when I encounter a road block of some sort.  I am also someone who establishes strong bonds with people and have been known to be overly trusting way too many times.  Keep in mind that not every autistic person is overly trusting, but I am one of them that is.  I am also naïve even after being on this planet for 41 years.  Perhaps this is due to me being developmentally delayed, but I can’t say for certain.

Rules are rules to me and that includes rules in a relationship. You don’t cheat, you don’t play mind games, you are honest and open, and you are there for each other. This allows for trust to build.  Trust must be earned.  It took me so long to learn that.  I give way to many chances when it comes to people.  I don’t know why I do this, but after being hurt so many times I finally took it upon myself to learn about the importance of personal boundaries.

I was never taught about boundaries growing up. I also was never taught how to say “no”.  I was taught to comply.  Perhaps that plays into why I give too many chances, but I can’t say for sure.

I have been told in the past that I am too kind, that my heart is too big, and that I must have a lot of patience. I have been told that these aspects of me allows people to take advantage of me, to take advantage of my heart, which only leads to the heartache that I have experienced many times.

I married a guy who is basically a douche, but tried to hide that fact, because he really did and still does love me. The thing is, apparently love is not enough to keep someone from being unfaithful, being neglectful, and emotionally abusive. This is why all these years I have been so confused and so hurt.  Why would you tell someone you love them over and over again, tell them you want to marry them, make future plans with them, have children with them, spend nearly 20 years with them, and then systematically destroy it all?  It boggles my mind.

For four and a half years I have been hanging on unable to move beyond the shattered remains of my life I once had. For a moment I thought I was getting it back.  Everything felt so right.  We were a family again, but it was short lived.  The man I bonded to can’t commit.  All those hurtful things he did happened because he couldn’t commit and the lie he had been living finally caught up with him.  Instead of being honest with me, he used emotionally abuvise tactics to destroy our marriage so he didn’t have to be the one who initiated the divorce proceedings.  Something I had to do. 

Here we are again. He didn’t want to look like the bad guy, so he has been sabotaging repair efforts and I don’t know how much of his behavior he is even aware of.  Ingrained behavior is difficult for a person who is demonstrating the behavior to actually see that they are doing it. Denial is something he is very good at.

About three weeks ago I felt something emotionally close in my heart. At that time I learned that my ex-husband wants the benefits of the family he loves, but not the responsibility and commitment that comes with it. As these revelations were coming out, my ex-husband also started talking about not wanting to look like the bad guy by ending our relationship a second time.  Go ahead, if you haven’t already, start shaking your head at me and make disapproving expressions.  I know, I know. Déjà vu all over again except without the infidelity and abandonment parts. 

I have taken these last few weeks to process this feeling of something closing in my heart and trying to figure out what this sensation was about.  I have come to the conclusion that it was a door closing, so to speak.  This feeling was something new to me and I have had difficulties determining what it meant. 

For four and a half years I have been unable to move on. Too much hurt, too much anger, and too many unanswered questions.  I think that feeling of a door closing in my heart means I am ready to take those first steps onto a new path.  It still hurts, but the pain is different this time.  I have found that I have too much self-respect to continue on this roller coaster of a life that my ex-husband lives in. My children and I have had to lower our expectations to such a low point so we can be pleasantly surprised when he does a nice thing or he does what he said he was going to do.  It is ridiculous that we have to do this, but we have to take care of ourselves.  There was just too much disappointment and hurt that was happening.

My ex-husband was given a second chance to make things right. Instead of working with me to find middle ground and nurture our relationship and our family, he has chosen to dig himself in and not budge.  Working towards middle ground means commitment and that is something he is just unable to do.

I don’t regret giving my ex-husband a second chance. I had to find out.  I had to take the chance.  I needed questions answered and I needed to know if we could really be a family again.  I got my answers. The result was not what I expected or wanted, but I got what I needed.  I got what I needed in order to finally move on with my life.  As the Rolling Stones song goes:

You can’t always get what you want

But if you try sometimes well you might find

You get what you need

The Rolling Stones – You Can’t Always Get What You Want – Lyrics

In closing, I raise a glass of your preferred beverage to what the future may bring. May it be a bright future indeed.   Blessed Be.

Seeing the Truth in Patterns

“To understand is to perceive patterns.”

-Isaiah Berlin

Patterns can be beautiful and calming, even sensuous. Patterns can also be ugly and painful. When you have very strong pattern recognition, you see patterns everywhere and in everything. “Connecting the dots” is just something that comes naturally to someone like me.  Whether it is patterns in tile or how leaves grow on a stem or human behavior, I recognize patterns.

This is why it frustrates me so much when others do not see the patterns staring right into their faces, especially when it comes to human behavior. How can you not see the pattern?  It is right there in front of you, why can’t you see it?  Is this a choice on your part or do you really not see it?

I wonder if it is just too painful for those who do not see the patterns of human behavior. Recognizing the pattern would mean that they would have to accept it for what it is and that is something that they cannot bring themselves to do. The truth can hurt.  Maybe this is why I hear “give him/her the benefit of the doubt”  and “let’s just see what happens” even though there has been years of evidence that shows a very clear pattern of behavior.

In Human Behavior Patterns (The Laws of Probability), Joseph “Joe” Panek states:

Isn’t it interesting how we, as human beings, Choose to Perceive Patterns? On one hand, we Choose to recognize some Patterns for what they Truly are. While on the other hand we Choose to analyze other Patterns until we become confused and dizzy.

For example: we know that the sun rises in the east; we know that if we let something slip from our hands it will fall to the ground; and we know that if we plant a petunia Seed it will grow into a petunia flower and not an oak Tree. We understand, and accept these natural Patterns as Truths and facts and we hardly, if ever, ask “Why?”.

However, when it comes to Human Patterns (Human Behavior) we take an entirely different stance or attitude; we automatically look for, and attempt to dissect, the “Why?” of the situation and casually Ignore the fact of the situation.

Why is this so? Why do we accept nature’s Patterns for what they are yet refuse to accept Human Behavior Patterns for what they are …a Pattern?

Since our earliest childhood society, and all of its factions, groups, and organizations, has Instructed us to recognize things for what they are.

Yet this same society has, on the other hand, Indoctrinated us to give people the “benefit of doubt”, at the expense of Truth, when it comes to their Behavior Patterns.

We have been trained, mostly through Guilt, to Forgive and forget when we should be taught to be Aware and understand.

For Awareness and understanding are our most reliable allies. A person’s past is a testimonial to their future. If a person is a liar or a thief, this is what they are. There is no “sugar coating” of these facts. Yet, how many of us blindly give these individuals the “benefit of a doubt” only to rue our Decision and cry out “Why?”.

I was reminded again today that not everyone is willing to “connect the dots” when it comes to human behavior. It was a painful and disappointing reminder to me, because even someone like me who sees patterns everywhere still chooses to not see the truth for what it really is.  I am human with a scientist brain and I have this incredible need to understand.  I ask “why?” all the time.

Humans are messy. There are so many patterns that don’t make sense.  I ask “why?” and the answers that are given often frustrate me or confuse me more.

  • Why does he keep hurting me?
    • This person has a tendency to not clue into my feelings and doesn’t notice a problem until it is too late.
  • Why doesn’t my family see me for who I am?
    • I am so much more than what they want to see.
  • Why have I had to fight for so long to be able to be me?
    • I have worth and I matter.
  • Why is my “voice” not being taken seriously?
    • Please hear me.

I am told I am just supposed to accept things for how they are and move on, that this is how things are done and how people are and there is no wavering from that. I can’t just blindly accept a pattern of behavior that doesn’t make any sense.  Just because something has always been a certain way does not mean it has to always remain so.  That is a choice to stay like that; to remain behaving in such a way that it continues to hurt people as well as yourself.

After finishing writing that paragraph above, I find myself asking another “why?” question.

  • Why am I writing all this?
    • I have been seeing a pattern for a long time and I have not wanted to see the truth in it. 

Autistic people are commonly overly trusting and have very strong loyalty. I am no different.  I stay and continue to be hurt.  I have remained loyal even though the trust had been shattered.  I still don’t know why I did that and continue to do so.  Over the past year he and I have been working on trying to glue that trust back together, but it remains cracked and fragile. I made a choice to give him the benefit of the doubt even though there had been an accumulation of years of evidence showing a pattern of behavior that was very questionable. 

In the above paragraph I wrote, “I can’t just blindly accept a pattern of behavior that doesn’t make any sense. Just because something has always been a certain way does not mean it has to always remain so.  That is a choice to stay like that; to remain behaving in such a way that it continues to hurt people as well as yourself.”  Yet here I am in the same questionable situation again where I am emotionally hurt on a regular basis. I have chosen to be here.  I am the one who has the pattern of behavior that doesn’t make any sense.  

truth-budda

Again, another “why?” question:

  • Why have I done this?
    • Because I listened to my heart instead of my brain. I wanted my family back. I wanted the man I loved back.

Emotions are funny that way. They blind you to the truth. I can rationalize his pattern of behavior all I like, I did it before my trust in him was shattered, but it doesn’t change the fact that the emotional pain continues.  Does he love me? Yes.  Does he mean to hurt me? No.  As I stated before, he is not conscious of my feelings and still doesn’t understand triggers, or the need to feel safe, or why it is so important to me to have my feelings validated.

He has chosen to not have pattern recognition when it comes to people.  It makes him visibly uncomfortable to discuss matters of human nature.  He doesn’t seem to want to be aware of what is happening around him. He just wants to live his life his way and be shut off from the world.  Unfortunately, he has a family that doesn’t fit into his way of doing things. My children and I are very much part of this world and do not want to be cut off from it.  This means I have a difficult choice to make – Do I stay silent, or keep pointing out patterns of behavior hoping to get somewhere, or just leave all together?

I don’t have an answer to that question at this time.

All I see is the pattern and it worries me.

“To Ignore Human Behavior Patterns, along with the Laws of Probability associated with these Patterns, is to subject ourselves to a lifetime of continual victimization. And if we Honestly look at the personal tragedies of our Past, we are likely to discover that they are the result of the people we allow into our lives and the obvious Behavior Patterns we Choose to Ignore.

For, in the end, whether we Choose to accept this fact or not, a Pattern is a Pattern is a Pattern”

– Joseph “Joe” Panek

**Image found at http://funzypics.com/board/pins/387/28592