Have you ever been struggling for so damn long, then find yourself in a situation where things are working out, but your anxiety has gotten you on guard waiting for the possibility of the rug of life to be pulled out from under you again?
Ya, I am there. It sucks the feeling of relief right out of you. It is really annoying. I keep telling myself that I am in a good place right now, that everything I have been working toward professionally all these years is finally starting to materialize and it is not literally killing me in the process, but my damn brain won’t settle.
There are many reasons why I no longer have my own classroom anymore. Due to my physical health, I don’t know if I ever will be able return to a regular classroom teaching position. After nearly 20 years as a teacher, I miss being in a classroom, but my current job is allowing me to stay in the education field and apply my experience and training in a different way by helping one family at a time. I am paying it forward, you might say.
I am still grieving in my personal life. I have been grieving for years. It feels like forever. It is called Complex-PTSD. Even 15 years after my initial diagnosis, the pain is still there. I have better coping skills now, but it is still hard. These days there are more good days than bad days.
Too much trauma and loss in my life, I suppose. I have been struggling so long just to survive, and be both mom and dad as well as teacher to my children, that I guess I am not sure how to live.
After everything that has happened to me, I have really struggled to convince myself that I have worth. I remind myself constantly. I have worth. I know I have worth.
I have value. I am worth it. I will not give up!
I am a real person with real needs and dreams. I will not be silenced!
Not again . . .
Looking at Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, I have been at the bottom two levels for many years now.
So, how does it feel to actually live your life as opposed to just surviving?